Tag Archives: tips

The Extraordinariness of Ordinary Days

August 20, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, depression, Drugs, exercise, family, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, health, Kerouac, meditate, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, substance abuse, tipspattypowers

In my teens and twenties, I fell in love with reading novels that blurred the line between fact and fiction. I would read everything I could get my hands on about each author so I could tease out the real story from what was in the novel. What I discovered disappointed me. Other than the adventures that inspired their fictitious pages, nothing much happened in their downtime. For example, Jack Kerouac sat in an easy chair watching TV and drinking beer with his mother for months on end. I realize that this was when they did their writing but it was a letdown to my nineteen-year old self. I saw no value in ordinary days.

During the early days of getting clean and sober it’s such an overwhelming experience that the process of adjusting to life on its own terms is an adventure all its own. The high highs and low lows are almost comforting because emotional instability is familiar to us. We may cry that we want inner peace but what we usually mean is that we want a little less intensity.

Once that inner turmoil normalizes, most of us go through a phase of creating drama because anything less feels like boredom. The no-drama grey area is too uncomfortable. We act out in anger, start arguments, begin gossiping, act inappropriately on the job, go hunting for sexual or romantic companionship – anything to not have to feel bored.

In time we gain experience living without having to Ping-Pong between highs and lows and we start to find comfort in the grey area. We can sit with our feelings. We’re surprise when we discover that drama no longer seduces us. Life goes on. We exercise, meditate, create goals, get hobbies and develop new interests, and attain healthy relationships.

But do we ever really value our ordinary days? I still get caught up in goals and deadlines, projects unfinished, the pressure of time passing. I savor the fun stuff as much as my peace of mind but sometimes I wonder if part of me still the 19-year old longing for on-the-page adventure while undervaluing the ordinary day. I know most people – not just people in recovery – plan activities to look forward to and “get through” the days leading up to them. Practicing mindfulness brings us into the moment but do we really feel gratitude for dull daily routines?

It isn’t until we are faced with crisis, loss, grief, tragedy, health issues, or a relationship storm that all we want is for things to “go back to normal”. Gratitude comes as a reminder that we have it good. Gratitude may cross our minds when we watch the news and realize the horrors people experience but sustaining feelings of gratitude requires conscious effort when day after day is filled up by work, laundry, grocery shopping, errands, and the whole “to-do” list. Sure, life always presents new adventures and excitement – we know this from experience – but the majority of the time it’s the typical “day in a life” stuff. It’s no different than what I learned about the favorite writers of my youth.

Recently someone new to recovery shared a gratitude list with me. It was simple: health, family and ordinary days. The words “gratitude for ordinary days” jumped off the page and shifted my perspective on my own life. I wanted to share it in the hope that it does the same for you.

Multi-tasking Recovery

August 5, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, cooking, Drugs, Feelings, food, gratitude, health, meditate, Meditation, mindfulness, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

Remember what it was like when you first got clean? How suddenly there was so much to do? For many of us it went from a life focused on one goal – getting high – to a full life in recovery. This meant learning how to juggle all our new commitments of not only rejoining life (a job, honoring financial responsibilities, reuniting with loved ones) but also incorporating time for meetings, new friendships, the gym, new hobbies, meditation, therapy, health and dental check ups. The list goes on. While it felt great to be taking care of ourselves, it was overwhelming to have days that were busy until ten or eleven at night without a break. “Will it be like this forever?” we’d ask old-timers, wanting reassurance that eventually we could take a break.

We create healthy new habits that become part of the fabric of our lives and we stick with them because they make us feel good. Our lives run smoothly until we experience change – a change in jobs, new responsibilities, new romantic relationships – and we have to adjust our schedule accordingly. Unfortunately, addicts are prone to amnesia. We make deals with ourselves based on what has the highest rewards with the least labor. It feels good to snuggle in front of a movie with our date so we let the gym slide. We need that overtime so we cut back on meetings. We gravitate back to junk food because we didn’t have time to go to the supermarket. And forget about meditation. Who has the time to sit?

I spent last week at a friend’s country house in upstate New York. The plan was to work on my book and to help harvest their garden. On the way up I offered to make a gooseberry pie since no one seemed to know what to do with all the gooseberries. As soon as we arrived I put on a bikini and headed for the garden. I had no idea that gooseberry bushes were a tangle of thorn-covered branches or that each berry had a small spike of its own. I really wanted to get it over with so I could start writing but quickly realized that this was not going to be a job I could rush.

Hours later I was so scratched I looked like I’d been in a cat fight but I had two large bowls of berries. It surprised me to realize that I’d arrived to a country visit expecting to maintain my city pace. While picking berries it dawned on me that being self-employed in a freelance way, I create momentum by applying a certain level of stress and urgency where there probably isn’t any need for it. Somewhere in my mind, I equate that feeling of urgency with energy when it comes to productivity. Yes – even with years clean and all the mindfulness tools at my disposal I get amnesia. It took picking berries for me to recognize the pressure I put on myself to be productive.

When it came time to make the pie I discovered that each berry had to be cleaned from its thorn and that most thorns stuck to my hands and fell into the bowl of cleaned berries. It was not an easy job. Three hours later I was ready to make a pie. This pie-prep experience turned into something of a spiritual epiphany for me. The slowing down, being in the moment, and concentrated focus was similar to a meditation and the results were similar. I was forced to set aside expectations and my tendency to rush through my day. What is the point of rushing through life when this time is finite? Yet it is how most of us live. We rush through things that feel like work and try to bask in the things we decide are pleasure. What if we turn as much of our experiences into pleasure by mindfully being present to them? This is an easy way to multi-task recovery and reap the benefits.

Preparing a meal is the one time of day where you can allow yourself to exhale. Whether it is chopping produce or stirring something on the stove, this is a time you can redirect your attention away from the future. The great part is that it is not slowing down the actual process of making the meal. Taking a break from the fast pace of our lives will give us more energy throughout the day. All we are doing is essentially following that old saying, “Stop and smell the roses.” Some people find washing dishes to be a meditation. You can bring mindfulness into almost any activity that you do. All it takes is letting go of the idea of urgency, paying attention to what is in front of you, and you will be living in the moment. You don’t have to restrict mindfulness to a formal meditation or a yoga class.

My gooseberry epiphany was not new. Recovery is about learning what works, forgetting, and relearning. Just because we can veer away from what works does not mean we can’t reclaim it.

Working Hard or Hardly Working?

July 17, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, disease, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, HALT, health, heroin, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

Imagine you’ve never run a marathon. How do you think you’d make out if you didn’t train for it? What if you start training, 100% committed, but after a couple weeks you start to cancel sessions, cut them short, stop asking your trainer what he thinks is best and instead tell him what you think you should do – even though you’ve never been in a marathon before? Would you consider this self-sabotaging behavior?

We can take this scenario and replace “marathon” with “recovery” to illustrate what happens to a lot of people who are newly clean and sober. Motivated by pain and desperation, they ask for help and are willing to do whatever it takes to find relief. Within a couple weeks or months of not drinking or using drugs, they’re feeling pretty good. This change has come about from the combined effects of abstinence and applying the tools they have learned, exercise and stress reduction techniques What they’ve been doing is so obviously working that their pain and fear have subsided. Then amnesia sets in. When their addict-mind starts to minimize how bad using left them feeling , the newcomer is incapable of separating these distorted thoughts from reality. This is the seduction of the disease of addiction in action.

What do you suppose their next move is? They cut back on the effort they’ve been making. Same as the person who decides they have what it takes to run a marathon without completing their training. After a few weeks clean and sober they’re are anxious to get “back to their lives” and are willing to compromise the time they’ve been spending developing a healthy recovery-based lifestyle. Here’s what’s missing from their thought process: a few weeks abstinent isn’t long enough to create any lasting changes in their brain yet. The disease-mind is still in control, albeit a bit weaker. It’s hungry and busy at work trying to trick the newcomer away from any actions that will continue to weaken it.

The disease of addiction is like a computer virus that has read your hard-drive. It can mimic your thinking and the newly sober person can’t discern disease-driven thinking from healthy thinking. In active addiction, it hijacks the brain to keep feeding it more drugs and alcohol – this is why, when using, we feel out of control. Without the defenses that come from actively participating in recovery, the reasons for using again will always seem to make sense – one way or another. Self-reliance in early recovery usually shrinks the recovery-commitment. The way the disease of addiction regains power simply gets subtler. This is how a lot of relapses begin.

This is why it is important to have a recovery support system. When you’ve rationalized cutting back on the tools that have helped you to stay clean, there will be someone to point what you are really doing – moving away from recovery.

You know how hard it is to go back to the gym after time away? Well if someone in their first few months clean starts coasting on abstinence alone, they won’t reap the benefits of recovery. Without coping skills, feelings are too uncomfortable. Recovery is taking repetitive actions until you re-train your brain to take life-affirming actions rather than seek to escape reality. Learning how to honestly assess where you are at emotionally by identifying feelings comes with practice. By cutting back on the things that helped you at the beginning, the muscles you were building weaken. When emotional discomfort comes along the old wiring starts asking for relief. Often this story ends with, “I don’t know how it happened. I really wanted to stay sober.” Of course staying engaged in recovery doesn’t mean that you’ll always feel great but you will have choices on what to do with these feelings other than get high. t takes a while to thaw out but all feelings pass. During the first six months there will be highs and lows. Generally emotional roller-coaster starts to even out between sixty and ninety days.

Here’s what I really think is behind the shrinking commitment. The first sign of disengagement from a recovery routine is also the first sign of some feelings thawing out. On some unconscious level, they know these feelings have surfaced from being in recovery so their first reaction is to step away from the cause. The irony is that recovery teaches you to be fearless so that you can embraces your feelings rather than run blindly from them.

If you are new to recovery, connect to others whether it is finding support in a 12-step or alternative recovery group, an outpatient group, a therapist or drug counselor, or simply search for people to connect to on websites like www.intherooms.com. Trust me, the disease of addiction will make a convincing case for why it’s important to take a “day off” from taking care of yourself emotionally, physically and spiritually. So where are at you today? Are you working hard or hardly working?

Stress is not required

May 15, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcholism, alcoholics anonymous, angry, anxiety, clean, depression, disease, Drugs, exercise, family, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, lonely, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, panic attack, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

Before I got clean I would sit around thinking about all the extra money I’d have if I ever stopped getting high. I had a hole the size of a quarter in the sole of my boot and every day I would do the math of my drug expense and think “I probably cook up and inject the equivalent of a few pairs of expensive boots every week”. After I got clean, however, I realized there was very little in the world that could compel me to come up with money the way drugs did. I didn’t have the extra hundreds in my hand because suddenly I was doing things like paying rent and feeding myself – stuff that hadn’t mattered before.

The same thing goes for creative and career dreams that once had a specific place in my fantasy life while I was getting high. I imagined all the things I would do once all my time wasn’t spent on feeding my habit. And, like most people in recovery, the minute I got clean I felt like I had to make up for all the lost years – starting immediately.

So whether or not I followed through on my to-do list of steps to take to realize my dreams, every waking hour I carried inside of me the insane pressure to be doing more than I was. No matter what I accomplished in the course of a day, I always felt like there was more to do. My head rambled on a continuous to-do list no matter whether I was actively productive or laying in bed at the end of the day. It was akin to holding down a computer key. And no matter what I accomplished or how happy and satisfied I felt, a voice in my head always insisted on more. It always left me feeling like I was not doing enough. This managed to keep me in some state of anxiety. Ongoing low-level stress is that “on edge” feeling that has the power to turn sour and turn into sadness or depression. It’s that inner voice, ignored or not, that insists that all is not well despite evidence to the contrary. In recovery-speak we call it “beating ourselves up” or negative self-talk. And it is a place the disease uses to distort our perception that the glass is always half empty and that we are never enough. Without drugs, our disease manages to stay alive inside our habit of creating a life that is too busy for us to find balance. Balance is always key to well being because it reduces stress.

Try to imagine our brain looking like dry riverbeds in the California desert. Every time we experience stress it’s like a flash flood. Every time we got high or drunk, every traumatic event was experienced as a full-on flash flood. What we end up with is a very deep river bed. It takes a lot of stress to fill these up to the levels that drugs would fill them. So, drug free, these pathways keep waiting for the big rain. When we first get clean the immediate drop in the water table (so to speak) is why we feel completely insane with anxiety. This is that feeling of exposed raw nerves during withdrawal. As we stay clean, the stress is lowered, in part because our brain slowly adapts to a lesser level of metaphoric rain filling our riverbeds but it is also because our new behaviors begin to deepen other pathways. In recovery, our healthy behaviors actually re-route our neurological pathways. We repair much of the damage active addiction caused our brain and begin to balance out our equilibrium. Nonetheless, our ridiculously imposing to-do lists keep our brains dampened by a low level of stress which in turn keeps our disease engaged enough to trigger other negative feelings. If we feel bad enough long enough, using starts to seem like a reasonable solution to “take the edge off” our feelings.

This is why it is important to create a daily routine that balances the workload with self-care and relaxing activities. This is why people go to the gym before or after work, why it feels like a weight has been lifted after yoga class, why laughter at a dinner with friends feels so good. Without these things, life becomes a soul-sucking job and no matter how successful we are, if we put pressure on ourselves every minute to be productive, if we hold our own whipping stick, at the end of the day no matter how much we’ve accomplished the feeling of being spent outweighs the satisfaction of a job well done.

I am not suggesting that we need to shoot lower with our goals or modify our dreams to less than we desire. I believe we need to accept our human limitations and that we’re best able to live a life of lower stress if we plan our day to include healthy decompressing time. This needs to be as high on the priority scale as anything to do with work and life errands. I realize that parenting involves placing other people’s needs at the top of the list and that there is often very little or no time to breathe on weekdays. So how can parents create daily balance to take care of themselves? One way would be to use family car time to play games, tell jokes or sing songs. Consciously create pleasurable activities wherever you are. For parents who have to kill time while their kids are in afterschool activities, bring along a book (fiction not self help). Audio books are great for taking a breather from self-obsession. Breathing meditations or guided meditations downloaded onto an IPod can be done anywhere (even at your work desk or in the office restroom). Take a few minutes throughout the day to stretch your body, to step outside and take in any natural beauty you can find. All of these little actions will add up to a big payoff – even for people who don’t get time alone until everyone else is in bed.

It takes practice to create stress-reducing activities and – trust me – the addict mind and the stress riverbeds in your brain will put up a lot of resistance – but a conscious effort will result in change. In time, self-care behaviors will come as effortlessly as breathing. It takes time to re-route our brains away from the pathways that were created prior to recovery but it will happen. Peace of mind and the ability to take on the responsibilities of a full ambitious life can co-exist.

Why am I hating everyone I love?

April 30, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, change, depression, Drugs, family, Feelings, fellowship, HALT, heroin, lonely, loved ones, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, Powerless, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

Almost everyone who gets clean and sober goes through a period where they experience a ton of negative feelings toward the people they love the most. I’m not talking about people they love who they’ve recently met in recovery. These feelings are specifically ignited inside of us by people who have known us the longest. I’m talking about our family members and long-term romantic partners. The ones where our love-roots go deepest. Why are they the ones who make us feel the craziest after we get clean?

Often these are the people we still share the least about ourselves with. When we were getting high, we withheld information to protect them because we knew our self destructive actions would have caused them incredible pain or we simply hid our lives rather than risk them getting in the way our our drug use. Once we get clean, they usually have no idea what we are processing or the amount of work that goes into our healing. We start to resent them for not taking interest in our recovery and we feel unsupported. We compare the depth of our new recovery relationships and feel cheated at home. We can’t believe they expect that now we’re off drugs, we’re “back to normal”. It’s very possible they avoid asking questions that may yield answers because they feel safe in their denial and do not want anyone (us) to mess with it. There are many reasons why the people who love us the most keep up an impenetrable shield.They simply may not be ready.

In recovery we share intimate parts of ourselves with our support group only to return to our loved ones and have it feel like no one is interested in truly knowing us. This is never more painful than during the early months of recovery. Not getting what we believe we need from our family has the ability to make us feel unsafe, unloved, misunderstood, insecure, resentful, hurt, and it turns us into character assassins (as we start deciding what is wrong with them). This is when we must lean into our recovery support group and to remember to keep breathing and to keep our mouth shut. Damage control not only saves them from attack and injury but also saves us from the remorse shame and regret we will surely feel if we inflict pain on people we know we truly love – even if we aren’t particularly feeling it at the moment.

In early recovery we are finally becoming honest with ourselves, doing the hard work of looking at our wreckage, at our shortcomings, and we’re becoming acquainted with our emotional life. It takes a while to land into our feelings and start to heal old wounds.Demanding other people to meet us half way is unfair. Remember, it was our suffering that motivated us to seek recovery in the first place. Pain was the impetus. God only knows what pain our loved ones have endured in their own lives or in relation to us while we were wrapped up in ourselves. They’re going to change when they’re ready – and maybe never. True acceptance of this fact might not happen for years but punishing them because they do not meet our new expectations is – well – it’s selfish (and not very spiritual). Especially when we don’t know for sure if what we’re thinking or feeling is accurate. This is why we practice unconditional love and patience with the people we love. We need to trust that how we feel right now is not permanent. Things are going to change. We’ll keep changing and this will have a positive impact on our relationships over time – whether we believe it or not.

Keep breathing, bite your tongue, leave the house to take walks when you need personal space. When you are at your wits’ end and don’t know what else to do treat them with kindness, forgiveness and compassion. Take your cell outside and rant and rave to friends who will let you unload. Get through the early months of recovery without causing more harm to yourself and others. Love is complicated. No matter what happens with these relationships, whether they turn out according to your greatest hopes or not – you will be okay. Trust the process.

Our buttons get pushed because we crave connection and love. We also probably harbor some fear of what they might have on us that we aren’t prepared to hear. Sometimes this fear is what’s causing us to want to write these relationships off. The good news is that by working on yourself and finding peace you will inspire others to do the same. Families can heal together. Time is where the magic happens.

Spring’s Emotional Overhaul Part 2

April 15, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, 12 step programs, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, clean, cocktails, depression, disease, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, holidays, meditate, Meditation, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relationships, SADS, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, trigger, weedpattypowers

I’m a recovering addict who doesn’t like to feel shitty. I’ve discovered through years of trial and error that taking positive actions (especially when I don’t want to) that support my emotional and physical well-being pays off. I’ve lived through 25 years of season changes without getting high and have learned how to surf them with some grace. This is what I hope to share in my blogs – practical tips on how to cope with whatever life throws your direction without getting high.

Believe it or not – changing seasons have the power to wake up the disease (of addiction) and this can cause a lot of emotional discomfort.

I wrote Part One of this blog two weeks ago and since then everyone I talk to says they’ve been feeling crazy. A lot of people are going through a hard time this month and people in early recovery seem to be feeling it the worst.

The good news is that, for the majority of people I’ve spoken to, the root of their discomfort is connected to the change of weather and not their deep core issues. Though many of them fail to recognize this. When recovering addicts feel bad, the first thing they do is intellectualize and over-analyze their emotional life to get a false sense of control over it. When this fails they get filled by overwhelming helplessness. Some people will be experiencing some level of seasonal affective disorder because they slacked off on basic daily doses of fresh air and exercise all winter and they probably lived on comfort foods rather than a healthy balance of fresh vegetables and fruit. The good news is that these feelings – like all feelings –will pass. The current blahs and waves of depression hitting you this year don’t have to be repeated.

Recovery lifestyle changes are easier to embrace when you are given a choice between feeling good or feeling lousy. If you read this blog regularly you’re probably sick of hearing this – but trust me, physical activity pays off long-term in so many ways. You don’t have to become a crazy gym fanatic. Hike, walk, jump rope, bicycle – just move your body in the winter months. When its zero degrees no one wants to go outside. Do it for springtime sanity. Play it forward.

The change in weather is going to have an affect on you. Your energy may feel unsteady. Some days you’ll feel tired yet the weather is making you believe you should be super energized. A voice in your head is now blaming you for not having energy – like it’s somehow your own fault, like you are ruining a perfect day by being tired. Jeez – there’s nothing like the negative self-talk of the addict mind! Instead of staying stuck inside your head try this – accept that today you’re tired. Set lower goals and be gentle with yourself. Maybe you just need some rest. A lot of people experience a shift in their sleep patterns. Be patient. Don’t judge yourself. Honest – it is all going to even out.

It’s not just us – everything’s messed up. Trees were without buds late this year then almost overnight flowers opened. We are not alone. A shift is happening and nothing seems to be running smoothly. (It was seventy degrees yesterday and tonight its twenty-four). Whatever your body is doing energy-wise allow it to be where it is at. Stop expecting more of yourself. The renewal energy of spring is going to happen for you. It’s always our internal struggle with acceptance that feeds the disease. When our body feels off and we decide that our entire life feels off. We feel like shit so our life is shit. The worse we can make ourselves feel, the more that cocktail two tables over is going to call out to us, the more we’re going to want to linger in the scent of a joint that passed us on the sidewalk. The disease will point out drug or alcohol solutions to these feelings whenever it can – and our job is to recognize where these triggers are coming from – the dis-ease we feel internally. Recognize it and let it go. Getting high will not make things better. It is not the solution. Trust me – during springtime these ideas are going to pop into your head without warning. This is a trick so don’t turn it into something wielding power over you. Call a friend in your support system. You never have to tough it out alone.

This is the rollercoaster of seasonal changes: Lust, thirst, anxiety over lust, anxiety over cravings, melancholia over memories (which are often memories of times when drugs and alcohol still worked and these may involve outdoor patio cocktail memories), loneliness will accompany lust, financial insecurity may arise at the thought of needing new clothes or appear as harsh self judgment over not having money to buy thing you feel you can’t live without.. While beauty starts to spring up all around us with the rebirth of spring, on the inside we may be digging ourselves deeper into self-centered despair. Again, this is when you need to reach out and get together with friends. At a time of turning the soil over on our most powerful negative feelings, we need to step into the sunshine of community and of service – volunteer to garden in the community or find a volunteer position that is of personal interest to you. Get out among people.

If you are in early recovery and unsure what is going on inside of you – what is real from what may be the obsession or a general sense of hopelessness the solution is always in connecting to other people in recovery and disclosing what you are going through. You do not have to tough it out alone. These feelings are temporary. They may last a day or a week but they will pass. Soon you will land in a comfort zone and will be present to experience the vitality of the new season. This rollercoaster ride will come to an end.

FAITH SIMPLIFIED

March 19, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, Drugs, faith, Feelings, fellowship, God, gratitude, HALT, health, letting go, Meditation, meetings, NA, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, trustpattypowers

I was telling a non-addict friend about how hard it is for addicts to let go of control. We are such control freaks that the lesson of “letting go” is our greatest struggle once we enter recovery – nevermind letting go on a deeper level.

I know this is pretty cornball – especially since last week I prefaced my blog with a Peggy Lee song – but I’ve been trying to find a way to write about having faith and this song suddenly popped into my head.

I really don’t know why songs that were background radio music during my childhood keep filtering into my consciousness these days but they do let me know that the answers we discover for ourselves through trial and error in the personal growth of our recovery – well – they are not new answers.

When it comes to things like “having faith” or “letting go” there are two choices on how to live: Do you want to experience the stress and emotional exhaustion of trying to control the outcome of situations, exerting your will and best laid plans? Do you want to ignore fear and allow it to be disguised as diligence and motivation to push your plans through by force? Do you want to hold onto to the superstitions or OCD behaviors that covet obsessional thinking, behaviors that create a tightening in the chest, that keep you living in the state of anticipation and dread while relying on your horoscope, your psychic, your tarot cards,or whatever extra-worldly help you hope will bend the future to your liking?
OR do you want to take a few deep breathes, acknowledge your dreams and fears, and practice living in the present moment, trusting that however the future unfolds everything will be as it should be.

If you have any doubts about letting go of fear – which shows up in the desire to maintain control even when it’s truly impossible – try this exercise: make a list of all the times you forced things to go your way. Don’t let your selective memory list only the times there were good outcomes. List the times when shit hit the fan and things didn’t work out or when the outcome was terrible. Now revisit that emotional place – do you remember how nuts you felt, the inner panic, the adrenaline spent on the mental hamster wheel of obsession compulsion and fear? Now list times when you “let go” and gave up control, times when you let life happen. When you were disappointed, how bad did the bad feel? How often were you surprised by the outcome?

Does this mean that to live a life of surrender we stop taking action? Hell no! In fact, by taking one step at a time toward your dreams it is the same as showing the universe what your intention is – then allow the future to unfold however it is supposed to. Sometimes you don’t get what you want but you definitely will end up on a ride worth taking. LET LIFE SURPRISE YOU.

Is that all there is?

March 12, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, 12-step fellowships, A&E, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, cocaine anonymous, depression, disease, drug-free excitement, Drugs, existential despair, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, lonely, Meditation, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

When I was a little girl I would listen to Miss Peggy Lee singing, “Is that all there is? Is that all there is?” Even at seven years old I felt this song deep in my bones. Listening to it now, it so profoundly describes a feeling so familiar to addicts and alcoholics. In the song the solution is booze and dancing but in recovery how do we get through those days when we feel bored, lonely, unsatisfied and empty – days when our disease holds us hostage to these disproportionately magnified feelings?

I looked in the mirror and a blonde woman with a suntan stared back. I didn’t recognize myself. Was I really wearing pink gym shorts and sneakers? I ripped off my tortoise shell sunglasses and started looking for track marks, scars, something to prove it was really me. New Age music came over the speakers and two men began discussing their mutual enlightenment.

“John, when I first heard you lead a meditation, I found myself carried away by the melodic rhythm of your voice and suddenly I envisioned myself conducting and entire symphony around you.”

“Oh that’s beautiful” replied John as he droned on about his twenty-five years in Twelve-Step communities. That’s when it hit me. My track marks were gone. My punk rock youth was over. And all I seemed to care about was healing my inner child and shopping at the Beverly Center. My God – what happened to my personality?

I wrote the above story when I had just over two years clean. I’d been on a pink cloud most of that time, super-happy with the life I’d put together from scratch in recovery. There’d been no warning signs that everything would change with one glance into a mirror. Shortly after this experience, I shut my down my life in Los Angeles and spent six months alone in a car traveling the country, reflecting and writing a novel. Rather than allow my existential identity crisis to push me toward a relapse, it motivated me to pursue my dreams.

Fast-forward to six years later. I’m in a therapy session saying, “I go to meetings, I work out, I’m of service, I eat healthy, I have good friends, I’m in therapy – but really- big fucking deal. Is this it? Is this all there is? I feel so bored and crazy. Where’s the euphoria?” I knew I was going to leave her office and stir up the pot. The feeling of restlessness and urgency was familiar – it was what drove me out to buy drugs back in the day. I knew I didn’t want to get high but I craving something to make me feel more alive and, like with drugs, felt powerless to stop myself once the idea got into my head. Within days I’d seduced a dangerously attractive unavailable young active alcoholic and I’d started smoking. I have to admit I felt pretty badass and was charged with the electricity of that euphoric high I’d been craving.

Within weeks I was back in my therapist’s chair only now I was crying. I felt lost from myself – anchorless. All I wanted was to go back to the way I felt before I abandoned myself with escapist behaviors. And I was pissed. Why does everything that makes me feel more “alive” always have the price of self-abandonment attached to it?

I mention these two stories because in both cases I was hit by the same feeling – that life on life’s terms was not enough. At the time I didn’t know how to value peace of mind and I didn’t know how to find comfort in the grey areas of day to day life on its own terms. I was still grieving and romanticizing aspects of the unpredictability of my former drug-using life. I wanted drug-like excitement without picking up a substance.

While the first existential identity crisis lead me on a six-month odyssey of America rediscovering and challenging myself, it wasn’t an impulsive act. That road trip required patience and planning. The second story illustrates a pretty typical addict response to feelings of restlessness. It’s usually knee-jerk compulsive self-destructive behavior disguised as fun.

In recovery there will be days when life on life’s terms will not be enough to satisfy you; days when boredom will make you pace like a wild animal desperate to break out of the cage. The disease gets a lot of mileage from the language of denial. I considered myself “unstoppable” rather than compulsive. If I’d been able to recognize that the intense pull toward acting-out was a compulsion I was powerless over, I could have applied some recovery principles to it. Instead I saw surrender as a compromise of “my free spirit”. Besides, even in recovery I’ve often been willing to suffer the consequences to get what I want when I want it. Thing is – although the consequences are always the same, when I set out on a mission for thrills. I forget the price is always some version of feeling lost from myself, of being lost and anchorless at sea.

The ability to sit with my feelings – especially the ones that can be avoided by thrill-seeking behaviors – didn’t happen over night. First I had to become willing – which happened when I was no longer willing to pay the price that came with avoiding them and then I needed courage to have blind faith that if I sat with my feelings they would not destroy me. I quickly discovered that the emotional discomfort didn’t last long. Feelings pass – even cravings for excitement pass.

The key to gracefully getting through the existentially angsty days is to let go of the need to make shit happen as a solution to feelings. Sit with the feelings no matter how much the disease is screaming for you to not sit still. Trust me – this can save you ridiculous amounts of negative consequences and inner turmoil. Meditation and breathing can help with this. If you suspect that you’re meant to shift gears or make major changes, you will know it because the need to force change won’t be there. I am NOT saying that life in recovery can’t be exciting. Maybe it will be more exciting if you can stop imposing your old ideas of excitement onto it and see where you end up.

ACOA and the Recovering Addict

February 19, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, 12-steo fellowship, AA, ACoA, addiction, adult children of alcoholics, Alcoholism, anxiety, clean and sober, cocaine anonymous, Drugs, emotional pain, Feelings, fellowship, heroin, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, pain, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, sober, Sobriety, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

For ten years I lived in a cute one-bedroom railroad flat. It was a great apartment by New York standards. A railroad flat is a series of rooms that open into one another. From the desk in the furthest room I could see clear to the other end. I sublet my place in 2003 and moved into an enormous apartment in Los Angeles. The rug, which had been wall to wall in my largest room in New York, was now an area rug in the living room. There was a dining room, a large kitchen, 2 huge bedrooms, a balcony and a backyard. I arranged the furniture and put my desk in my bedroom. It took several months before I noticed that I only left my bedroom to go to the kitchen. With all this glorious space, I continued to live inside the square footage of my NYC apartment. I was going to have to make a conscious effort to spend time in different rooms until it felt natural. I’m sure people who’ve spent extended time in prisons share this experience when returning to the outside world.

Children adapt to their environment in similar unconscious ways. Children growing up in a household impacted by addiction or alcoholism will turn their fear and pain inward and adopt negative belief systems about themselves and the way the world works without question.

If you grew up in an alcoholic family and are now in recovery, you’re probably doing things and feeling things that don’t make sense to you. You watch friends who got clean around the same time as you did move forward in their life and you start thinking that maybe you’re just too broken – even for recovery. You suspect that the happiness you see in others isn’t in the cards for you so you try to practice acceptance and find gratitude for what you do have. You slogan yourself to death and jump into step work – but progress is slow and most days you are a breath away from losing whatever good mood you are having. When you’re happy you feel anxious because you know something will fuck it up, when you fall in love you brace yourself for heartbreak. You can’t understand why you can’t even really enjoy the good times without anticipating disappointment. You question whether you aren’t working a good program or think maybe you need to have more faith, do better step work, find a new sponsor, or take more commitments. (For anyone sober outside of a 12-step fellowship, you may often feel hopeless because you are out of ideas how to think your way into feeling better). You know something isn’t right but you can’t put your finger on it. You do a lot of comparing of yourself to others.

Growing up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic family, feelings from childhood have shaped your relationship to yourself and to the world and these don’t miraculously heal without being addressed. Children of alcoholics adapt the same way I adapted to a small living space. Even when there was room to move around, I didn’t. If you feel like something is keeping you boxed in – even in recovery, it is time to uncover how being a Child of an Alcoholic affected you.

The damage done in alcoholic households vary but one thing is common – children don’t feel safe. For some children of alcoholics, violence and emotional abuse is the norm and for others it’s the internalized disappointment from years of broken promises. Safety and security can be threatened by the fear of drunk driving accidents, threats of divorce, or the ongoing silent treatment between parents. Whatever forgiveness or acceptance you have gained by saying “They did the best they could with the tools they had” these words do not heal the child who was frightened, wounded or abused. Until a recovering addict addresses their ACoA issues, they continue to live inside a box constricting their freedom to grow in recovery, to find peace, self esteem, love, and to enjoy their life without waiting for the other shoe to drop. For some addicts and alcoholics, staying sober is impossible unless their ACoA issues are excavated and healed.

There are a number of books written about ACoA and trauma, there are therapists who specialize in Adult Children of Alcoholics, and of course there is the ACoA 12-step fellowship. I think 12-step fellowships are especially healing for recovering addict/alcoholics because the empathy, compassion and camaraderie provide a lovingly safe place that many ACoAs have never experienced. This safety will give you the strength and courage to work on ACoA issues (with outside help) so that you can truly experience freedom from the past. ACoA work will take you out of the one room (of your sobriety) and teach you how to move around the entire house.

This is the Laundry List (taken from www.adultchildren.org) :

The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
8. We became addicted to excitement.
9. We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
10. We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

Getting Okay with Now

January 16, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcoholism, anxiety, Drugs, expectations, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, health, letting go, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, Powerless, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, third step, tipspattypowers

I don’t know about anyone else but when things aren’t going well I hate hearing “Everything happens for a reason.” Does it really? Or is this another story people tell themselves to take the sting out of admitting powerlessness against the randomness of life? In the moment of disappointment or pain, does this saying even bring genuine comfort?

It’s less painful to accept what’s happening in the moment and roll with it (letting go of the expectations we hadn’t even realized we’d assigned to an outcome) than it is to continue trying to force a square peg into a round hole. It took years for me to learn this lesson – that my will doesn’t have the ultimate power to control my destiny – no matter how pure my desire driving it. Sometimes the only power my willfulness has is to keep me swimming circles in a fish tank not knowing I’m not free.

How can you have goals, wants, and dreams and still leave room for life to happen? How can you recognize when you’re too afraid to trust in the process or have become married to your intended results?

If you find yourself going along “acting as if” but have a constant nagging sensation that you’re bracing yourself for disappointment, waiting for the other shoe to drop, then you’ve become married to your expectations. It probably feels like if things don’t go as planned nothing will be okay. Not only will you have failed but that you are a failure. The disease mind is always waiting to unleash negative self-talk . Maybe desire for control is born out of the fear of how brutally we beat ourselves up when we don’t get our own way. The danger for recovering addicts is that if we feel bad enough long enough, we will eventually get high.

My friend, psychotherapist and transformation coach, Terri Cole, has a great analogy: think of what it feels like to swim against the current. It’s invigorating and challenging but it quickly becomes exhausting and you don’t cover much distance. Once you flip over and float, there’s no struggle and you travel further. By letting go our life and recovery can mirror this experience.

Here is an exercise: think back on a time when you wanted something intensely and the pain you experienced when it became clear not going to happen. Fast forward to the next time you experienced great joy and fill in the blanks – what random event turned things around to ultimately lead you to the next wonderful experience? Chances are, you will see that many of the major thrills of your life happened when you hit a wall and gave up on trying to force the square peg into the round hole because you were up against a wall of pain or frustration.

Things happen because they happen. It’s only in hindsight that we can assign any logic to it and dress it up as an intended part of a longer story. Time has to pass, life has to unfold, and when things seem to be making sense again – when we are content and not struggling with control –then we are able to look back and say something like “Everything happen for a reason.” The trick is being able to come to this kind of acceptance while it is happening.

Patty Powers

Recovery Coach // NYC