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Early Recovery: How to Manage Stress

August 14, 2015All Things RecoveryAA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, anxiety, depression, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, opiates, oxycontin, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, self-care, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, withdrawalpattypowers

People in recovery like to overthink things. It’s probably a holdover from active addiction. I realize not everyone in recovery is a member of a 12-step fellowship but there are definitely perks for those in them. The collective wisdom passed down from one recovering addict to another is of immeasurable value. All over the world, recovering addicts share similar eye-opening revelations they’ve experienced and these shared insights turn into the often-repeated sayings we hear in meetings.

“We can’t think our way into new feelings but we can act our way into new thinking.” (Or some variation of this). We hear this solution – that action changes feelings – yet we continue to overthink, ruminate, and obsess in a vain attempt to control how we feel. Overthinking is never a solution. Usually all it does is increase stress and keep us trapped in our discomfort and confusion. We long for change yet we fear it – unless, of course, we are in control of it. There’s no comfort in familiar misery but in early recovery the concept of “letting go” is confusing and difficult to grasp. We usually let go when the pain is great enough. Until then, we hang onto our old belief in self-reliance that’s hardwired by fear. Without solutions we stay trapped in our heads with emotional discomfort.

For anyone new to recovery the greatest suffering happens when we are left alone with our mind for stretches of time. Once the substance or compulsive behavior is gone, our brain experiences a dopamine deficit and this creates anxiety until it finds homeostasis. Our mind’s racing and it feels like we’re going crazy. Even the air stings our raw nerve endings. What’s a newcomer to do?

You can reduce the intensity of withdrawal and early recovery anxiety by taking actions but this requires a conscious daily commitment on your part. Trust me, the addict-mind will try to hold you hostage in prolonged isolation. It’s easy to lose hours sitting at the kitchen table thinking your way into a level of anxiety that’s paralyzing. This makes it hard to get the day started or find motivation to create new habits of self-care.

Here are actions to take:

Call people and make plans so you aren’t spending too much time alone. (Maybe this means going to a meeting or getting together with other people in recovery).

Get outside – take a long walk, look at whatever nature is around you. Fresh air lowers stress.

Do something physical – go to the gym, take an exercise class, yoga, a bike ride, jogging, jump rope, swim or play a sport. Get your body moving for at least 30-60 minutes. (Make an effort – baby steps if you haven’t been active in years).

Eat healthy food and don’t skip meals. Newly clean and sober people have a tendency to go for sugar, bread, and caffeine – mood-changing foods. What they don’t realize is that the mood this diet may lead to is depression and lethargy. Be mindful to get in enough healthy food to balance this out.

If you do all of the above on a regular basis, your body will respond positively. You will sleep better and have more energy. You will also experience less mood-swings.

Cravings always come from feelings. Stress is where they begin. You have the power to control this – the choice is yours. Action not thinking is the way out.

Whenever you start to feel anxious – if you talk to someone who triggers you, if you have to go somewhere or deal with a situation that’s stressful – have quick stress-deactivator tools on hand. Here is what to do: before entering a situation that’s triggering take ten slow deep breaths. Inhale through your nostrils until you feel completely full of air and then blow this air slowly out of your open mouth until you feel like an empty balloon. This will relax you. Anytime you feel any level of stress, breathe like this. Whenever you feel your stomach or chest tighten, excuse yourself from the person or situation and get some fresh air or go to the restroom for some deep breathing. This only takes a few minutes. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO STOP STRESS FROM BUILDING UP BY ADDRESSING IT AS IT HAPPENS.

Allow yourself several minutes throughout the day to deactivate stress. This is damage control. This way day to day stress won’t pile up until thoughts of using pop into your head as a solution. This will leave you more room for joy.

When You’re in Recovery but They’re Not

April 22, 2015All Things Recovery12 step, A&E, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, clean, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, lonely, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, relationships, tipspattypowers

The following post is based on a series of conversations that keep popping up lately. I use a masculine pronoun but this story is not gender specific. Perhaps this blog will hit home for some people new to recovery. To be clear, the situation I’m describing involves having a partner who’s a casual consumer of substances – not someone heavily dependent or in the grips of their own addiction.

You did it. You’re finally clean and sober. What an achievement! Maybe you’ve even been exercising, hitting some yoga classes, and spending as much time as you can with your new sober friends. In fact, the only thing that feels shitty is going home to your partner.

Driving home you find yourself praying his car won’t be in the driveway. Sometimes just the thought of him unleashes a flood of negative feelings you swallow down. You walk into the house and feel the hate rising when you see him. Oblivious, he smiles and asks how the meeting went. Then he gets up to give you a kiss and inwardly you collapse into confusion, wondering if you’re going to have to divorce him. You see, he isn’t tormented over his substance use and has no desire to stop. Because he suffered through your suffering, he was 100% behind your decision to get clean. Compared to what you’ve heard from other people in recovery, you have it easy. No complaints when you head out to a 12-step meeting after dinner, always willing to watch the kids, to leave parties early, and not force you to go anywhere you feel jeopardizes your recovery. Yet, you resent him so much for not offering to quit using for you that you’ve convinced yourself the clock’s ticking on this relationship. When you aren’t angry, you feel guilty or jealous. Sometimes you start wondering if being sober is worth it.

Do you remember what motivated you to enter into recovery? It was the solution to your pain and suffering. Try not to lose sight of this simple truth. After you’ve been sober for a short time and the pain diminishes, you may get amnesia and forget why you are sober. What’s really happening is that with the pain of using gone, you’re starting to experience an avalanche of feelings. This is the “roller-coaster” you hear people in recovery talking about. Usually it’s like being hit by waves of anxiety and depression. Your mind will try to search for something to blame it on. Fear of feelings always underlies our attempts at control. If we can figure out who or what is at the source of our emotional discomfort, we can get rid of it. Or in this case, get rid of him. The disease-mind will start laser focusing on the problem and convince you that you have two choices – leave him or drink. Black and white thinking. Divorce or drink.

While it’s normal to feel disappointed that you can’t always get what you want, you do have a choice about whether to see the glass half full or half empty. Loving support is valuable. Stay in conscious gratitude for anything that is making it easier for you to attend to your sober needs. At this time keep the focus on yourself and stay close to your support system. Continue to exercise, meditate, go to meetings and talk about your feelings with your sober friends and therapist (if you have one). Remember, no one responds well to the pressure of recruitment. Try to accept that for now he may not have the same relationship to drugs and alcohol that you have. If he isn’t suffering, he isn’t suffering – and without a private pain connected to his using, there’s nothing to motivate him into recovery. Very few people surrender in any kind of real way if it is forced upon them. No one knows what the future holds but one thing is true – the disease-mind uses words like “never” and “forever” in connection to all unpleasant feelings and difficult life situations. This is untrue. Our lives (and our inner-lives) are ever-changing. Keep the focus on yourself. Practice patience and tolerance, and apply the golden rule by treating him with the love compassion and respect that you want for yourself. Stay close to your support and allow time to pass. More will be revealed.

The emotional roller-coaster has very little to do with anything other than your brain chemistry responding to being cut off from drugs and alcohol. It will eventually come to an end and your emotions will stabilize. You’ll experience moments of equanimity and be able to assess your situation, your needs, and your relationship more clearly. This may be a time to consider couples’ therapy to work through any distress that may linger.

Applying “live and let live” isn’t always easy, especially when it involves your intimate romantic relationship or life partner. As a newcomer it’s better to trust in the process of recovery and allow some time to pass rather than take impulsive actions in response to chaotic feelings. Avoid causing irreparable damage you may regret.

The Extraordinariness of Ordinary Days

August 20, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, depression, Drugs, exercise, family, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, health, Kerouac, meditate, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, substance abuse, tipspattypowers

In my teens and twenties, I fell in love with reading novels that blurred the line between fact and fiction. I would read everything I could get my hands on about each author so I could tease out the real story from what was in the novel. What I discovered disappointed me. Other than the adventures that inspired their fictitious pages, nothing much happened in their downtime. For example, Jack Kerouac sat in an easy chair watching TV and drinking beer with his mother for months on end. I realize that this was when they did their writing but it was a letdown to my nineteen-year old self. I saw no value in ordinary days.

During the early days of getting clean and sober it’s such an overwhelming experience that the process of adjusting to life on its own terms is an adventure all its own. The high highs and low lows are almost comforting because emotional instability is familiar to us. We may cry that we want inner peace but what we usually mean is that we want a little less intensity.

Once that inner turmoil normalizes, most of us go through a phase of creating drama because anything less feels like boredom. The no-drama grey area is too uncomfortable. We act out in anger, start arguments, begin gossiping, act inappropriately on the job, go hunting for sexual or romantic companionship – anything to not have to feel bored.

In time we gain experience living without having to Ping-Pong between highs and lows and we start to find comfort in the grey area. We can sit with our feelings. We’re surprise when we discover that drama no longer seduces us. Life goes on. We exercise, meditate, create goals, get hobbies and develop new interests, and attain healthy relationships.

But do we ever really value our ordinary days? I still get caught up in goals and deadlines, projects unfinished, the pressure of time passing. I savor the fun stuff as much as my peace of mind but sometimes I wonder if part of me still the 19-year old longing for on-the-page adventure while undervaluing the ordinary day. I know most people – not just people in recovery – plan activities to look forward to and “get through” the days leading up to them. Practicing mindfulness brings us into the moment but do we really feel gratitude for dull daily routines?

It isn’t until we are faced with crisis, loss, grief, tragedy, health issues, or a relationship storm that all we want is for things to “go back to normal”. Gratitude comes as a reminder that we have it good. Gratitude may cross our minds when we watch the news and realize the horrors people experience but sustaining feelings of gratitude requires conscious effort when day after day is filled up by work, laundry, grocery shopping, errands, and the whole “to-do” list. Sure, life always presents new adventures and excitement – we know this from experience – but the majority of the time it’s the typical “day in a life” stuff. It’s no different than what I learned about the favorite writers of my youth.

Recently someone new to recovery shared a gratitude list with me. It was simple: health, family and ordinary days. The words “gratitude for ordinary days” jumped off the page and shifted my perspective on my own life. I wanted to share it in the hope that it does the same for you.

Multi-tasking Recovery

August 5, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, cooking, Drugs, Feelings, food, gratitude, health, meditate, Meditation, mindfulness, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

Remember what it was like when you first got clean? How suddenly there was so much to do? For many of us it went from a life focused on one goal – getting high – to a full life in recovery. This meant learning how to juggle all our new commitments of not only rejoining life (a job, honoring financial responsibilities, reuniting with loved ones) but also incorporating time for meetings, new friendships, the gym, new hobbies, meditation, therapy, health and dental check ups. The list goes on. While it felt great to be taking care of ourselves, it was overwhelming to have days that were busy until ten or eleven at night without a break. “Will it be like this forever?” we’d ask old-timers, wanting reassurance that eventually we could take a break.

We create healthy new habits that become part of the fabric of our lives and we stick with them because they make us feel good. Our lives run smoothly until we experience change – a change in jobs, new responsibilities, new romantic relationships – and we have to adjust our schedule accordingly. Unfortunately, addicts are prone to amnesia. We make deals with ourselves based on what has the highest rewards with the least labor. It feels good to snuggle in front of a movie with our date so we let the gym slide. We need that overtime so we cut back on meetings. We gravitate back to junk food because we didn’t have time to go to the supermarket. And forget about meditation. Who has the time to sit?

I spent last week at a friend’s country house in upstate New York. The plan was to work on my book and to help harvest their garden. On the way up I offered to make a gooseberry pie since no one seemed to know what to do with all the gooseberries. As soon as we arrived I put on a bikini and headed for the garden. I had no idea that gooseberry bushes were a tangle of thorn-covered branches or that each berry had a small spike of its own. I really wanted to get it over with so I could start writing but quickly realized that this was not going to be a job I could rush.

Hours later I was so scratched I looked like I’d been in a cat fight but I had two large bowls of berries. It surprised me to realize that I’d arrived to a country visit expecting to maintain my city pace. While picking berries it dawned on me that being self-employed in a freelance way, I create momentum by applying a certain level of stress and urgency where there probably isn’t any need for it. Somewhere in my mind, I equate that feeling of urgency with energy when it comes to productivity. Yes – even with years clean and all the mindfulness tools at my disposal I get amnesia. It took picking berries for me to recognize the pressure I put on myself to be productive.

When it came time to make the pie I discovered that each berry had to be cleaned from its thorn and that most thorns stuck to my hands and fell into the bowl of cleaned berries. It was not an easy job. Three hours later I was ready to make a pie. This pie-prep experience turned into something of a spiritual epiphany for me. The slowing down, being in the moment, and concentrated focus was similar to a meditation and the results were similar. I was forced to set aside expectations and my tendency to rush through my day. What is the point of rushing through life when this time is finite? Yet it is how most of us live. We rush through things that feel like work and try to bask in the things we decide are pleasure. What if we turn as much of our experiences into pleasure by mindfully being present to them? This is an easy way to multi-task recovery and reap the benefits.

Preparing a meal is the one time of day where you can allow yourself to exhale. Whether it is chopping produce or stirring something on the stove, this is a time you can redirect your attention away from the future. The great part is that it is not slowing down the actual process of making the meal. Taking a break from the fast pace of our lives will give us more energy throughout the day. All we are doing is essentially following that old saying, “Stop and smell the roses.” Some people find washing dishes to be a meditation. You can bring mindfulness into almost any activity that you do. All it takes is letting go of the idea of urgency, paying attention to what is in front of you, and you will be living in the moment. You don’t have to restrict mindfulness to a formal meditation or a yoga class.

My gooseberry epiphany was not new. Recovery is about learning what works, forgetting, and relearning. Just because we can veer away from what works does not mean we can’t reclaim it.

Stress is not required

May 15, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcholism, alcoholics anonymous, angry, anxiety, clean, depression, disease, Drugs, exercise, family, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, lonely, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, panic attack, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

Before I got clean I would sit around thinking about all the extra money I’d have if I ever stopped getting high. I had a hole the size of a quarter in the sole of my boot and every day I would do the math of my drug expense and think “I probably cook up and inject the equivalent of a few pairs of expensive boots every week”. After I got clean, however, I realized there was very little in the world that could compel me to come up with money the way drugs did. I didn’t have the extra hundreds in my hand because suddenly I was doing things like paying rent and feeding myself – stuff that hadn’t mattered before.

The same thing goes for creative and career dreams that once had a specific place in my fantasy life while I was getting high. I imagined all the things I would do once all my time wasn’t spent on feeding my habit. And, like most people in recovery, the minute I got clean I felt like I had to make up for all the lost years – starting immediately.

So whether or not I followed through on my to-do list of steps to take to realize my dreams, every waking hour I carried inside of me the insane pressure to be doing more than I was. No matter what I accomplished in the course of a day, I always felt like there was more to do. My head rambled on a continuous to-do list no matter whether I was actively productive or laying in bed at the end of the day. It was akin to holding down a computer key. And no matter what I accomplished or how happy and satisfied I felt, a voice in my head always insisted on more. It always left me feeling like I was not doing enough. This managed to keep me in some state of anxiety. Ongoing low-level stress is that “on edge” feeling that has the power to turn sour and turn into sadness or depression. It’s that inner voice, ignored or not, that insists that all is not well despite evidence to the contrary. In recovery-speak we call it “beating ourselves up” or negative self-talk. And it is a place the disease uses to distort our perception that the glass is always half empty and that we are never enough. Without drugs, our disease manages to stay alive inside our habit of creating a life that is too busy for us to find balance. Balance is always key to well being because it reduces stress.

Try to imagine our brain looking like dry riverbeds in the California desert. Every time we experience stress it’s like a flash flood. Every time we got high or drunk, every traumatic event was experienced as a full-on flash flood. What we end up with is a very deep river bed. It takes a lot of stress to fill these up to the levels that drugs would fill them. So, drug free, these pathways keep waiting for the big rain. When we first get clean the immediate drop in the water table (so to speak) is why we feel completely insane with anxiety. This is that feeling of exposed raw nerves during withdrawal. As we stay clean, the stress is lowered, in part because our brain slowly adapts to a lesser level of metaphoric rain filling our riverbeds but it is also because our new behaviors begin to deepen other pathways. In recovery, our healthy behaviors actually re-route our neurological pathways. We repair much of the damage active addiction caused our brain and begin to balance out our equilibrium. Nonetheless, our ridiculously imposing to-do lists keep our brains dampened by a low level of stress which in turn keeps our disease engaged enough to trigger other negative feelings. If we feel bad enough long enough, using starts to seem like a reasonable solution to “take the edge off” our feelings.

This is why it is important to create a daily routine that balances the workload with self-care and relaxing activities. This is why people go to the gym before or after work, why it feels like a weight has been lifted after yoga class, why laughter at a dinner with friends feels so good. Without these things, life becomes a soul-sucking job and no matter how successful we are, if we put pressure on ourselves every minute to be productive, if we hold our own whipping stick, at the end of the day no matter how much we’ve accomplished the feeling of being spent outweighs the satisfaction of a job well done.

I am not suggesting that we need to shoot lower with our goals or modify our dreams to less than we desire. I believe we need to accept our human limitations and that we’re best able to live a life of lower stress if we plan our day to include healthy decompressing time. This needs to be as high on the priority scale as anything to do with work and life errands. I realize that parenting involves placing other people’s needs at the top of the list and that there is often very little or no time to breathe on weekdays. So how can parents create daily balance to take care of themselves? One way would be to use family car time to play games, tell jokes or sing songs. Consciously create pleasurable activities wherever you are. For parents who have to kill time while their kids are in afterschool activities, bring along a book (fiction not self help). Audio books are great for taking a breather from self-obsession. Breathing meditations or guided meditations downloaded onto an IPod can be done anywhere (even at your work desk or in the office restroom). Take a few minutes throughout the day to stretch your body, to step outside and take in any natural beauty you can find. All of these little actions will add up to a big payoff – even for people who don’t get time alone until everyone else is in bed.

It takes practice to create stress-reducing activities and – trust me – the addict mind and the stress riverbeds in your brain will put up a lot of resistance – but a conscious effort will result in change. In time, self-care behaviors will come as effortlessly as breathing. It takes time to re-route our brains away from the pathways that were created prior to recovery but it will happen. Peace of mind and the ability to take on the responsibilities of a full ambitious life can co-exist.

Spring’s Emotional Overhaul Part 2

April 15, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, 12 step programs, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, clean, cocktails, depression, disease, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, holidays, meditate, Meditation, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relationships, SADS, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, trigger, weedpattypowers

I’m a recovering addict who doesn’t like to feel shitty. I’ve discovered through years of trial and error that taking positive actions (especially when I don’t want to) that support my emotional and physical well-being pays off. I’ve lived through 25 years of season changes without getting high and have learned how to surf them with some grace. This is what I hope to share in my blogs – practical tips on how to cope with whatever life throws your direction without getting high.

Believe it or not – changing seasons have the power to wake up the disease (of addiction) and this can cause a lot of emotional discomfort.

I wrote Part One of this blog two weeks ago and since then everyone I talk to says they’ve been feeling crazy. A lot of people are going through a hard time this month and people in early recovery seem to be feeling it the worst.

The good news is that, for the majority of people I’ve spoken to, the root of their discomfort is connected to the change of weather and not their deep core issues. Though many of them fail to recognize this. When recovering addicts feel bad, the first thing they do is intellectualize and over-analyze their emotional life to get a false sense of control over it. When this fails they get filled by overwhelming helplessness. Some people will be experiencing some level of seasonal affective disorder because they slacked off on basic daily doses of fresh air and exercise all winter and they probably lived on comfort foods rather than a healthy balance of fresh vegetables and fruit. The good news is that these feelings – like all feelings –will pass. The current blahs and waves of depression hitting you this year don’t have to be repeated.

Recovery lifestyle changes are easier to embrace when you are given a choice between feeling good or feeling lousy. If you read this blog regularly you’re probably sick of hearing this – but trust me, physical activity pays off long-term in so many ways. You don’t have to become a crazy gym fanatic. Hike, walk, jump rope, bicycle – just move your body in the winter months. When its zero degrees no one wants to go outside. Do it for springtime sanity. Play it forward.

The change in weather is going to have an affect on you. Your energy may feel unsteady. Some days you’ll feel tired yet the weather is making you believe you should be super energized. A voice in your head is now blaming you for not having energy – like it’s somehow your own fault, like you are ruining a perfect day by being tired. Jeez – there’s nothing like the negative self-talk of the addict mind! Instead of staying stuck inside your head try this – accept that today you’re tired. Set lower goals and be gentle with yourself. Maybe you just need some rest. A lot of people experience a shift in their sleep patterns. Be patient. Don’t judge yourself. Honest – it is all going to even out.

It’s not just us – everything’s messed up. Trees were without buds late this year then almost overnight flowers opened. We are not alone. A shift is happening and nothing seems to be running smoothly. (It was seventy degrees yesterday and tonight its twenty-four). Whatever your body is doing energy-wise allow it to be where it is at. Stop expecting more of yourself. The renewal energy of spring is going to happen for you. It’s always our internal struggle with acceptance that feeds the disease. When our body feels off and we decide that our entire life feels off. We feel like shit so our life is shit. The worse we can make ourselves feel, the more that cocktail two tables over is going to call out to us, the more we’re going to want to linger in the scent of a joint that passed us on the sidewalk. The disease will point out drug or alcohol solutions to these feelings whenever it can – and our job is to recognize where these triggers are coming from – the dis-ease we feel internally. Recognize it and let it go. Getting high will not make things better. It is not the solution. Trust me – during springtime these ideas are going to pop into your head without warning. This is a trick so don’t turn it into something wielding power over you. Call a friend in your support system. You never have to tough it out alone.

This is the rollercoaster of seasonal changes: Lust, thirst, anxiety over lust, anxiety over cravings, melancholia over memories (which are often memories of times when drugs and alcohol still worked and these may involve outdoor patio cocktail memories), loneliness will accompany lust, financial insecurity may arise at the thought of needing new clothes or appear as harsh self judgment over not having money to buy thing you feel you can’t live without.. While beauty starts to spring up all around us with the rebirth of spring, on the inside we may be digging ourselves deeper into self-centered despair. Again, this is when you need to reach out and get together with friends. At a time of turning the soil over on our most powerful negative feelings, we need to step into the sunshine of community and of service – volunteer to garden in the community or find a volunteer position that is of personal interest to you. Get out among people.

If you are in early recovery and unsure what is going on inside of you – what is real from what may be the obsession or a general sense of hopelessness the solution is always in connecting to other people in recovery and disclosing what you are going through. You do not have to tough it out alone. These feelings are temporary. They may last a day or a week but they will pass. Soon you will land in a comfort zone and will be present to experience the vitality of the new season. This rollercoaster ride will come to an end.

You don’t like relationship drama. Really?

January 27, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcoholism, compulsive thinking, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, HALT, meditate, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relationships, romantic obsession, sex in recovery, sexual obsession, sober, Sobriety, substance abuse, supportpattypowers

How many times have we heard I am not into drama? Ever notice that whoever says this usually follows it by complaining about an emotionally exhausting situation involving a relationship (romantic, family, friends, or co-workers)? Are you the one complaining about drama or are you the type who suffers in privacy by guarding the secrecy of your emotional chaos and all-encompassing anguish?

Drama was such the norm when I was getting high that I didn’t even register it. Perhaps it’s from having moments of serenity in recovery that make us all too aware when drama comes along and throws off our emotional balance. We don’t like it – but damn there’s almost comfort in its familiarity.

Whether the source of drama has roots in a platonic or romantic relationship, the feelings are the same – obsessional thinking and a compulsion to continue engaging in it expecting different results. Sound familiar? Without drugs and alcohol, it’s pretty common to discover ourselves in a situation that we seem unable to walk away from no matter how horrible it makes us feel. With romance, like drugs, when it stops working we always hold out for some sign that it is returning to that place of euphoria or bliss that we experienced at the beginning. The cycle of obsessional thinking, compulsion behavior, denial of the reality, and the default setting of turning the pain inward is so familiar that we are able to withstand it long past a healthy expiration point. But why is it when we are able to bring affirming recovery actions into every other area of our life we feel incapable of letting go of certain relationships or behaviors in relationship even when the pain is causing us to fantasize about using again?

When we were getting high most of us watched our lives shrink. Pretty much our only concerns were getting and using and finding ways and means to get more. Anything else happening in our life had no real emotional effect on us unless it got in the way of our using. Oh – one feeling persisted – shame. When our sober lives fill with drama centered on another person (usually a romantic or sexual interest) our emotional lives shrink. Everything takes second place to the source of our obsession. We think about him/her all the time, replay past conversations searching for a clue to make sense of the situation and indulge our daydreams in future conversations. We find ourselves reaching out to friends (or suffering in silence) only to describe how we feel in relation to the object our desire/drama. The fullness of our life is shrinking as we become a broken record of same story different day.

Do we really hate the drama or is it serving us in some way? By having one feeling – pain – displacing all other emotions we retain some level of control. The other feelings can’t affect us if we are blocking them out by our current drama. If we go from one dramatic relationship to another we have succeeded in getting out of experiencing the full range of emotions that life in recovery offers. It almost makes sense for someone in early recovery to jump on the relationship bandwagon because extreme pain and extreme pleasure are safe whereas the whole gamut of grey area feelings are unfamiliar and usually uncomfortable to sit with.

Take a risk and disengage with the drama – give yourself a set abstinence period and acquaint yourself with what might really be going on inside of you. Journal, meditate, take walks and share your process with someone you trust. Self-discovery is necessary for deep self-acceptance. How free do you want to be? Recovery is limitless.

With Willingness We Find Our Way

July 28, 2013All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcoholism, anorexia, anxiety, clean, depression, disease, Drugs, eating disorders, Feelings, fellowship, HALT, health, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, obsession, panic attack, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, Stress, support, tips, trigger, willingnesspattypowers

We all have different paths (and are entitled to them) but we share the same goal – freedom from self-inflicted pain, a loving relationship with self, and to find inner peace. As long as we have willingness, we will find our way.

I have a friend in recovery who HATES it when I break things down in terms of the “disease” of addiction. Although she has been clean for four years and attends 12 Step meetings, she has never been able to open her mind up to the possibility that addiction is a disease. For me, the disease concept is the one thing that’s made it possible to unravel my twisted thinking and impulsive wiring toward self-destructive behaviors and has allowed me to develop new skills to break the cycles.

In her defense, I have always had the same sort of recoil from talk about higher powers, although conceptually I see how beneficial they are to the process of finding meaning and safety. In either case, a certain amount of fantasy and creative imagining has to be invested – though there is neurological evidence of the brain disease of addiction. My friend has made it clean four years without a disease concept or a God. She has made it on willingness to follow direction from people who have more experience dealing with life clean and sober. That has been enough for her.

At two years clean she developed an eating disorder. We were just getting to know one another while I was in her city when she confided to me a violent episode that had happened in her youth. From the moment I returned to New York and our friendship turned to instant messages and emails, it became apparent that her anxiety was going through the roof. She was crying all the time and her legs were cramping uncontrollably. She was sleeping two or three hours a night and forgetting to eat. Whatever suggestions I gave, she’d forget as soon as we said good-bye. At first it was impossible for me to understand why she wasn’t taking any sort of self-care actions when she was so clearly in physical and emotional pain. It only made sense when she told me that I was the first person she’d ever told the story about the abuse.

It made perfect sense to me what was going on when I broke it down in “disease” terms. Something terrible had happened to her. She was a victim yet carried the blame and shame. The disease loves blame, shame, and secrets. For fifteen years this had been her secret. While her love for her young daughters was the impetus for getting clean and attending meetings to stay clean, she’d chosen a sponsor who used her as a babysitter and was uninterested in moving her forward in step work. In fact, as her weight fell away and she decided to go to therapy at my insistence, her sponsor shamed her over it, saying that she looked great and it was all in her head – as if she’d concocted the anxiety to get attention. It was a replay of the relationship she’d had with her adoptive mother. Every step of the way toward seeking help, her disease struck harder. The trauma she’d experienced at 15 continued to hold her down. This wasn’t surprising considering most addicts have trauma in their background. Whether we used because of the trauma or if it was a catalyst to fuel the disease is like asking the chicken and the egg question. The facts on paper: 30 year old woman with an addict birth mother, drug and alcohol use, sexual trauma at 15 and an increase of drug abuse – rehab at 28. Shedding light on her secret was followed by extreme anxiety that preceded anorexia.

In recovery terms, there were actions that could have helped but she was incapable of taking them. To her credit – and I believe this should be typed in bold for anyone reading this paralyzed by feelings and behaviors yet unable to take action – she continued to attend meetings throughout the next eighteen months of physical and emotional hell and new women came into her life with substantial clean time and they led her to a new sponsor. This carried her until she was ready to get help. She hated going to meetings, hated hearing about the disease and about God but she went anyway. I believe WILLINGNESS is the launch of an arrow, its tip cutting through space changing all of the molecules in its path. It causes change to happen.

The most interesting thing to me in witnessing anorexia in action is that early in the process, there were very strong parallels to how the disease of addiction works and the tools we use in recovery may have altered its course. At a certain point the anorexia took on its own twist and it needed very different tools to heal it. Ultimately the process will involve intensive trauma work.

I began writing this blog entry because I wanted to discuss the disease concept and how grasping a thorough working definition will help you to address any issues, past or present, in order to have sustainable long term recovery. It has been a very long and difficult path for my friend but through trial and error she is discovering for herself that the disease concept gives our creative mind a chance to understand how it operates on us individually so that we can change its course before it either leads us in a direction of relapse or toward death by other means.

In upcoming blogs, I’ll be writing more about my theory of the disease of addiction and a way to gain an understanding of how it seems to trick us into behaviors away from health, wellness, and inner peace and how recovery tools really can combat it.

This friend wrote a blog that I posted earlier this year for Eating Disorder Awareness Month. I am very happy to announce that she is currently seeking help at an inpatient treatment facility. I believe she will flourish and become a positive power of example to many others she will encounter on her journey. I have her permission to write this entry.

My varieties of transformative experience/spiritual experience

June 5, 2013All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, Alcoholism, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, hypnosis, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, past life regression, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, spiritual experience, Stress, tipspattypowers

A really strange thing keeps happening to me. I keep feeling “lucky” to be here. Not in the usual “I’m lucky to be alive” or “lucky to be clean” gratitude way. It’s more that I feel lucky that I’m getting to have this experience of being on earth. It keeps washing over me in an exciting positive way – but I have to admit it’s weird to think about. It makes me feel like a visitor.

I’ll never forget when it first happened. I came face to face with a black panther on a deserted farm road.in Ontario. It was a totally unexplainable situation because panthers aren’t indigenous to Canada, never mind one hour from the largest city in the country. I’d stopped my bicycle on an isolated farm road when it stepped out of the woods, made eye contact with me then assumed a crouched attack position from twenty or thirty feet. I wrote about it here: http://pattypowersnyc.blogspot.com/2011/10/death-defying-summer-vacation.html.

During that split-second when I averted my gaze to take what I assumed was my final look at the blue sky and the green landscape, the beauty of it all, my only thought was how lucky I’ve been able to be here to have experienced this beautiful planet. Even while I was thinking this I knew it was a weird response to the situation.

Another time I was watching the Mars Rover landing when the camera turned and captured our planet. This time when I was swept with this feeling it was accompanied by gratitude that brought me to tears. Lately it’s been occurring on a regular basis wherever I am – minus the tears. I can’t really explain it any better than I feel lucky. For me, this feeling isn’t connected to any particular God. I suppose it’s possible I’ve finally acquired enough inner peace that I’m more conscious of where I am and appreciative of the small (or big) things. It’s not a voice in my head that says, “Look how beautiful this planet is” It says, “I’m so lucky I get to be here.” It’s a joyful feeling that co-mingles with a deep sense that there’s absolutely no point in sweating the small shit.

In program terms, my second step has been a continuous process of coming to believe. I haven’t really found a belief shingle to hang up yet – just my own bag of quirky spiritual experiences. Sometimes they’re so bizarre I have to roll my eyes at myself. Usually I’m embarrassed to admit them to anyone. In fact, I was planning to write this article about how alienating it is for people who have accumulated a lot of clean time to have the arrogance to tell any other member of their fellowship what they can or cannot say when sharing at a meeting. Instead I’m writing about my most private spiritual moments.

A few years ago I was continually having discussions with myself on life and it’s meaning to me. I’d gone as far as to ask myself if I would be okay if my last living breath extinguished me for eternity – no reincarnation, no eternal universal energy. And – I was. I figured if this was all there was I’d better pay attention.

A week after this conversation with myself I was in Miami with a friend searching for a Haitian psychic to read her cards. (Yes – this was how I spent the leisure time on my vacation!) We ended up in sort of voodoo/wiccan/spiritual/new age bookstore being told that for twenty bucks we could attend a past life regression group hypnosis. It sounded like a kooky enough way to end my vacation.

Two-dozen people gathered in the backroom of the bookstore. One by one, we went around the room disclosing why we were there. While everyone was trying to get clarity on a current relationship, I was simply there for the ride. I’m like that kid in the commercial who’ll eat anything. I’ll try anything.

The hypnotist began counting backward. This was my experience.

It was dark and there was a light muted in fog in the distance. I was trying to make sense of where I was. It reminded me of a dock on a lake and the light was coming from the far end of the dock. As I got closer I was engulfed in the fog and white light and was filled by a sense of excitement and playfulness. This permeated the entire experience. Next I was pulled into a bright white light. There was nagging sensation of weight somewhere although my joy kept propelling me through the light and into the darkness of outer space. Suddenly I was passing stars. My consciousness realized what was happening and I was filled with questions but understood they didn’t matter. In the distance were two pulsating blue lights and I knew that’s where I was heading. The whole thing was like a crazy sci-fi movie but I felt so happy I didn’t hesitate to speed forward. When I arrived at the blue lights I became blue light, like a firefly among fireflies dancing on a star. Again, there was a peculiar sense of weight somewhere. I wanted to ask questions and understand there was no need.

When the hypnotist’s voice announced he would begin counting backwards I looked down and saw a hole I could jump through to get back. I jumped and passed though a wall of gas and fire, back through space passing stars, through the white light, the fog and the darkness until I was back in my body on the bookstore floor in North Miami. I experienced my weight subjectively in a way that’s impossible to describe. I was unable to move for a good 30 seconds.

The experience was like déjà vu of an acid trip I’d had when I was twelve or thirteen although this had been different because of the complete and utter joy I’d felt. This has clung to me. When my worries pop up I remind myself that my pure essence is joy and playfulness and that I shouldn’t sweat the small shit. Again, I’m filled by a profound sense that I am okay. There is no need to worry about anything.

I’m always up for any sort of adventure and have a very creative mind so I have questioned whether or not I made this all up. I know the panther was real because there were seven more sightings of it that summer but the rest – who knows? Was I blue light dancing on a star? Does it matter? Am I am visitor? Are we all just visitors? I don’t even care if there are answers to these questions. Maybe my experiences were a self-induced hallucination or maybe they are my version of spiritual experience – something that has been transformative, lessened my fear and helped to make me more present in this life. I’m happy I had them – whatever they were

I’ve always been the sort of person who gets bored easily. In the 24 years I’ve been clean, it’s never gotten boring. In fact, the really good stuff seems to have started happening after twenty years clean. I’m talking about the good stuff on the inside. It’s like I’ve been opening new doors that are making me a happier person. If this is what it’s like at 24 years, I can’t even imagine what it might be like at 30. My inner life keeps getting more fun and the benefits aren’t fleeting. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but if you ask around I can pretty much guarantee that old-timers will tell you that all the work you’re doing is well worth it for what you are going to get back.

Recognizing Springtime Triggers

May 10, 2013All Things Recovery12 step, A&E, AA, adderall, addiction, Alcoholism, ambien, booze, clean, disease, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, health, heroin, klonopin, lonely, meditate, Meditation, meetings, meth, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, NYC, obsession, oxycotin, Powerless, reality tv, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, support, tips, trigger, weed, xanaxpattypowers

Spring has finally sprung. If this is your first season change clean and sober I’m here to discuss a new trigger that is probably creating some discomfort for you. Sometimes it’s just reassuring to know that the weird shit tripping up your mood, your mind, and maybe even your overall wellbeing is nothing unusual in the realm of recovery. I always find comfort in knowing that my twisted assessment of my own mental health isn’t unique. In terms of recovery, identification is a step toward dismantling the power of disease-thinking (the stuff that can lead us away from recovery and toward relapse).Disease-thinking (our addict-mind) has a way of taking an hour of emotional discomfort and convincing us that these bad feelings are NEVER going to go away EVER, that life is going to suck always, that pain is here to stay. It’s almost comical when years into the recovery process you catch yourself investing in this lie until a light bulb goes on and you remember that you’re temporarily lost in a hall of mirrors and that – yes – this too shall pass.

The number one heart-stopper for people in recovery seems to be the first sighting of outdoor cafés that serves liquor. I mean – the whole package will hit you and wax poetic nostalgia – those balmy evenings or lazy Sunday afternoons lounging around killing a few margaritas or sangria or wine or beer or whatever you ever drank outside. In the memory you are peacefully alone and buzzed or having an amazing time with friends. You are younger, better looking, happier, fitter, richer, more playful – basically your memory will go back to a time when getting loaded was without consequences and when you really had your game on. And during that moment of memory you will feel your heart breaking and a voice will pop into your head that will tell you that this is where you draw the line. “How can you give up the outdoor summer partying? You will never stay sober. You will never again feel that happy.” The whole of your Being will be filled with longing. (Mind you – what I’m describing happens within seconds of catching a glimpse of that place from the corner of your eye but it will hit you with such force that it will be impossible to comprehend that it is simply a feeling and that it’s going to pass).

This is a perfect example of how the disease works. Total amnesia of all the pain and suffering that came along as a result of substance abuse. The focus is narrowed down to specific body memory of relaxation, joy, and probably a time where there was far less responsibility and accountability in your life. This is the siren song the Viking heard before he jumped ship.

I don’t know anyone clean who hasn’t felt this pull especially after a long winter. In a way there is some genuine grieving of youth involved and if you’re newly sober you will still be grieving the loss of your long -term relationship to drugs and alcohol. It’s important to talk about these feelings with someone to take the power out of them. It is also important to believe that this feeling will pass. I would suggest you begin creating new memories of outdoor cafes with sober friends and not to park yourself alone at one of your old haunts because – what’s that saying? If you hang around the barbershop too long, you’ll probably end up getting a haircut? In a few weeks you’ll cease to notice anything particularly seductive about these establishments.Until then, the initial sightings will trigger you the same way that passing your old drug-buying block or neighborhood bar did when you first got clean.

To snap out of the obsession find some nature – whether it’s a garden, a tree, the beach, the sky, or a green lawn and spend ten minutes there. Notice the details of the beautiful planet we get to live on. Take deep inhalations through your nose and pay attention to how the air feels entering your nostrils and how warm it feels when you exhale through your mouth. Make a mental gratitude list. Then get on with your day.

My first four years in recovery were spent in Los Angeles and weather never triggered me but ever since I moved back to NYC, I experience nostalgia for long ago good times whenever there’s a radical change of weather. Outdoor patios, the cozy warmth of a moodily-lit bar during a snowstorm, and even the sound of the ice cream truck will remind me of how much I loved getting high. Luckily I can still access the much more detailed story of all the suffering that occurred on all the other days so I don’t get too seduced by my strolls down memory lane – but they do still hit me because I’m an addict and my disease is always looking for a way to invalidate my life in the present moment so that my fantasy life of this painless past can sing to me until it can get me to jump my Viking ship. I’ve gotta take my hat off to the determination of the disease of addiction. It might be weakened to a minimal heartbeat but that f**ker wants to get its power over me back. It’s not a quitter. This is how I know I am not cured.

Feelings are like our internal weather – the “nature” part of our human nature. Sun, clouds, rain, wind sun again. Let them move through you and do not fear them. It is wonderful to be clean and alive and human. We are fortunate to be able to have feelings! After all, we know the price of the alternative.

Patty Powers

Recovery Coach // NYC