Tag Archives: gratitude

Early Recovery: How to Manage Stress

August 14, 2015All Things RecoveryAA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, anxiety, depression, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, fresh air, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, opiates, oxycontin, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, self-care, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, withdrawalpattypowers

People in recovery like to overthink things. It’s probably a holdover from active addiction. I realize not everyone in recovery is a member of a 12-step fellowship but there are definitely perks for those in them. The collective wisdom passed down from one recovering addict to another is of immeasurable value. All over the world, recovering addicts share similar eye-opening revelations they’ve experienced and these shared insights turn into the often-repeated sayings we hear in meetings.

“We can’t think our way into new feelings but we can act our way into new thinking.” (Or some variation of this). We hear this solution – that action changes feelings – yet we continue to overthink, ruminate, and obsess in a vain attempt to control how we feel. Overthinking is never a solution. Usually all it does is increase stress and keep us trapped in our discomfort and confusion. We long for change yet we fear it – unless, of course, we are in control of it. There’s no comfort in familiar misery but in early recovery the concept of “letting go” is confusing and difficult to grasp. We usually let go when the pain is great enough. Until then, we hang onto our old belief in self-reliance that’s hardwired by fear. Without solutions we stay trapped in our heads with emotional discomfort.

For anyone new to recovery the greatest suffering happens when we are left alone with our mind for stretches of time. Once the substance or compulsive behavior is gone, our brain experiences a dopamine deficit and this creates anxiety until it finds homeostasis. Our mind’s racing and it feels like we’re going crazy. Even the air stings our raw nerve endings. What’s a newcomer to do?

You can reduce the intensity of withdrawal and early recovery anxiety by taking actions but this requires a conscious daily commitment on your part. Trust me, the addict-mind will try to hold you hostage in prolonged isolation. It’s easy to lose hours sitting at the kitchen table thinking your way into a level of anxiety that’s paralyzing. This makes it hard to get the day started or find motivation to create new habits of self-care.

Here are actions to take:

Call people and make plans so you aren’t spending too much time alone. (Maybe this means going to a meeting or getting together with other people in recovery).

Get outside – take a long walk, look at whatever nature is around you. Fresh air lowers stress.

Do something physical – go to the gym, take an exercise class, yoga, a bike ride, jogging, jump rope, swim or play a sport. Get your body moving for at least 30-60 minutes. (Make an effort – baby steps if you haven’t been active in years).

Eat healthy food and don’t skip meals. Newly clean and sober people have a tendency to go for sugar, bread, and caffeine – mood-changing foods. What they don’t realize is that the mood this diet may lead to is depression and lethargy. Be mindful to get in enough healthy food to balance this out.

If you do all of the above on a regular basis, your body will respond positively. You will sleep better and have more energy. You will also experience less mood-swings.

Cravings always come from feelings. Stress is where they begin. You have the power to control this – the choice is yours. Action not thinking is the way out.

Whenever you start to feel anxious – if you talk to someone who triggers you, if you have to go somewhere or deal with a situation that’s stressful – have quick stress-deactivator tools on hand. Here is what to do: before entering a situation that’s triggering take ten slow deep breaths. Inhale through your nostrils until you feel completely full of air and then blow this air slowly out of your open mouth until you feel like an empty balloon. This will relax you. Anytime you feel any level of stress, breathe like this. Whenever you feel your stomach or chest tighten, excuse yourself from the person or situation and get some fresh air or go to the restroom for some deep breathing. This only takes a few minutes. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO STOP STRESS FROM BUILDING UP BY ADDRESSING IT AS IT HAPPENS.

Allow yourself several minutes throughout the day to deactivate stress. This is damage control. This way day to day stress won’t pile up until thoughts of using pop into your head as a solution. This will leave you more room for joy.

When You’re in Recovery but They’re Not

April 22, 2015All Things Recovery12 step, A&E, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, clean, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, lonely, meditate, Meditation, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, relationships, tipspattypowers

The following post is based on a series of conversations that keep popping up lately. I use a masculine pronoun but this story is not gender specific. Perhaps this blog will hit home for some people new to recovery. To be clear, the situation I’m describing involves having a partner who’s a casual consumer of substances – not someone heavily dependent or in the grips of their own addiction.

You did it. You’re finally clean and sober. What an achievement! Maybe you’ve even been exercising, hitting some yoga classes, and spending as much time as you can with your new sober friends. In fact, the only thing that feels shitty is going home to your partner.

Driving home you find yourself praying his car won’t be in the driveway. Sometimes just the thought of him unleashes a flood of negative feelings you swallow down. You walk into the house and feel the hate rising when you see him. Oblivious, he smiles and asks how the meeting went. Then he gets up to give you a kiss and inwardly you collapse into confusion, wondering if you’re going to have to divorce him. You see, he isn’t tormented over his substance use and has no desire to stop. Because he suffered through your suffering, he was 100% behind your decision to get clean. Compared to what you’ve heard from other people in recovery, you have it easy. No complaints when you head out to a 12-step meeting after dinner, always willing to watch the kids, to leave parties early, and not force you to go anywhere you feel jeopardizes your recovery. Yet, you resent him so much for not offering to quit using for you that you’ve convinced yourself the clock’s ticking on this relationship. When you aren’t angry, you feel guilty or jealous. Sometimes you start wondering if being sober is worth it.

Do you remember what motivated you to enter into recovery? It was the solution to your pain and suffering. Try not to lose sight of this simple truth. After you’ve been sober for a short time and the pain diminishes, you may get amnesia and forget why you are sober. What’s really happening is that with the pain of using gone, you’re starting to experience an avalanche of feelings. This is the “roller-coaster” you hear people in recovery talking about. Usually it’s like being hit by waves of anxiety and depression. Your mind will try to search for something to blame it on. Fear of feelings always underlies our attempts at control. If we can figure out who or what is at the source of our emotional discomfort, we can get rid of it. Or in this case, get rid of him. The disease-mind will start laser focusing on the problem and convince you that you have two choices – leave him or drink. Black and white thinking. Divorce or drink.

While it’s normal to feel disappointed that you can’t always get what you want, you do have a choice about whether to see the glass half full or half empty. Loving support is valuable. Stay in conscious gratitude for anything that is making it easier for you to attend to your sober needs. At this time keep the focus on yourself and stay close to your support system. Continue to exercise, meditate, go to meetings and talk about your feelings with your sober friends and therapist (if you have one). Remember, no one responds well to the pressure of recruitment. Try to accept that for now he may not have the same relationship to drugs and alcohol that you have. If he isn’t suffering, he isn’t suffering – and without a private pain connected to his using, there’s nothing to motivate him into recovery. Very few people surrender in any kind of real way if it is forced upon them. No one knows what the future holds but one thing is true – the disease-mind uses words like “never” and “forever” in connection to all unpleasant feelings and difficult life situations. This is untrue. Our lives (and our inner-lives) are ever-changing. Keep the focus on yourself. Practice patience and tolerance, and apply the golden rule by treating him with the love compassion and respect that you want for yourself. Stay close to your support and allow time to pass. More will be revealed.

The emotional roller-coaster has very little to do with anything other than your brain chemistry responding to being cut off from drugs and alcohol. It will eventually come to an end and your emotions will stabilize. You’ll experience moments of equanimity and be able to assess your situation, your needs, and your relationship more clearly. This may be a time to consider couples’ therapy to work through any distress that may linger.

Applying “live and let live” isn’t always easy, especially when it involves your intimate romantic relationship or life partner. As a newcomer it’s better to trust in the process of recovery and allow some time to pass rather than take impulsive actions in response to chaotic feelings. Avoid causing irreparable damage you may regret.

You’re sure “busy” isn’t going to kill me?

January 14, 2015All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, clean, depression, disease, Drugs, exercise, Feelings, gratitude, HALT, heroin, lifestyle, lonely, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, relationships, sober, sober strategies, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

I began 2014 with a commitment to spend the year blogging more about how to enrich an already clean and sober lifestyle – how to have more fun and increase feelings of wellbeing. For 2015 I want to get back to basics and address early recovery – creating coping skills, what to expect, and how to ride out the tough spots without relapsing.

There is a misconception that the majority of people who get clean do it as part of a New Year’s resolution. If that were the case, every January there would be ridiculous amounts of people celebrating anniversaries in 12-Step programs. I’m talking out of the ballpark numbers. The truth is, attendance at most 12-Step meetings doesn’t go up noticeably in January. My guess is that many addicts spend January and February deep in self-loathing for not being able to comprehend why their countless attempts to control or abstain keep failing. Maybe January is a month for New Year Resolutionists to hit bottom. This year my blog is geared to helping people create lifestyle changes to support sustainable recovery, ease stress, and put an end to isolation.

Whenever I begin working with new clients one of my goals is to create new healthy lifestyle habits, create a weekly routine and to guide them through their resistance to all of it. There’s a predictable pattern. They start out willing to do whatever I suggest because they want to stay clean and sober and are motivated by fear of failure. A couple weeks into this routine and they’re complaining that they’re exhausted, that they can’t keep going at this pace without everything in their life falling apart, and that I can’t possibly understand how serious this is. I call this the “whiney phase’. This is when we fine-tune the routine to make sure there’s enough balance so they’re not in a genuine prolonged state of HALT (hungry angry lonely tired). This crankiness (which usually occurs between 14-30 days) passes and the benefits of implementing these new activities begin kicking in to bring on good feelings and a noticeable lessening of stress.

Anyone’s who been to rehab remembers the intense daily schedules – moving from one activity to the next. God knows I never was happy to be doing jumping jacks in a rainy yard early in the morning. Every day the addicts would get together and complain that the seemingly pointless daily routine business was because they needed to justify keeping us for 30 plus days.

Here is why it is important to create a weekly schedule in early recovery:

1. The worst-case scenario is for a newly sober addict to have hours pass with nothing to do except think. The disease is still very strong and loud in the weeks following that last drug or drink. The “feed me feed me feed me” mantra is the basis of restlessness, anxiety, depression, insomnia, mood swings, even physical symptoms of extended withdrawal. It can make us believe a headache is surely evidence of the need for a future lobotomy. And the worst part of all of this inner chatter is that left alone, our humor about ourselves dwindles rapidly. Taking the “edge off” becomes appealing and less frightening.

2. Exercise, yoga, meditation, healthy eating, time with friends, leisure time for activities (sports/movies/live music/dancing/comedy), 12-step meetings (or whatever recovery support groups you attend) added onto your daily routine will promote energy, mental clarity, reduce stress, improve sleep and leave you less time to think about yourself in negative ways. Regardless of what hopeless negative chatter your mind may want to kick up, you will have evidence that each day you are staying on point and are willing to go to ANY LENGTH to stay clean and move toward goals of happiness, inner peace, and freedom from fear of feelings. Your daily life is recovery in action.

How does all of this begin – especially for people who are new to recovery doing this on their own?

Create a hard copy (pen and paper) weekly calendar and a copy into your cell calendar with notifications. Each morning set alarm reminders on your phone for activities, appointments, meetings etc. Find a system that works for you. The main thing is that you plan your week ahead of time so you don’t spontaneously over-commit yourself at the expense of screwing up your day.

Here is an example of a weekly recovery plan.

Make a list of 12-Step (or alternative) meetings you will attend for one week. This way you won’t agree to working overtime or driving the kids without knowing what is at stake and having time to find an alternative meeting you can put into your schedule rather than believing you’ve screwed up and now have to miss the meeting. Remember – sustainable recovery is something you build through effort. By sticking to this early recovery lifestyle to-do list you have daily evidence that recovery IS your priority no matter what negative crap goes on in your head.

In your weekly planner include 30-60 minutes a day outside (walking, exercising, relaxing). Include 3-5 hour slots for fitness (whatever that looks like for you).

Make time to spend with other recovering addicts/alcoholics and a checklist of new people to contact via email, on www.intherooms.com chat, phone calls. Reach out and try to build a support group.

Always plan so that you have food and time to eat. Skipping meals or waiting too long to eat tends to make people cranky, outright angry, or weepy.

If you feel like you have been running non-stop to get everything done from the minute your alarm went off until you are about to turn in – take an extra 20 minutes to unwind with some music, YouTube a calming guided meditation, take a relaxing bath, or create your own end of day chill out space to reflect and unwind.

In the coming weeks I will elaborate on every activity that helps strengthen recovery and explain not only how to do it without it costing any money but also what the short and long-term payoffs are.

Remember – within the first couple weeks of following a daily recovery routine it’s normal to feel exhausted and overwhelmed and want to crawl back in bed and say fuck it. Power through this phase. Remember the agony of creating healthy habits is temporary and nothing compared to the agony of wanting to get clean and being unable to surrender again.

Celebrating Nothing and Everything

December 31, 2014All Things RecoveryAA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, anxiety, celebration, clean, depression, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, heroin, Meditation, Narcotics Anonymous, new years' eve, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relapse prevention, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

I titled this blog “Celebrating Nothing and Everything” because it’s time for us to put down the scorecard that rates and divides the content of our life into worthy events or dull days. All of our life should be celebrated. We all know how easy it is to get caught up in the daily grind or lost in financial stress or romantic drama or pretty much anything where our addict-mind starts to pull levers so that the glass looks half empty instead of half full. I’m here to say that we don’t have to wait until a, b, or c is accomplished before we can be happy or fulfilled or experience peace. Seriously, let’s give up the belief system of “I can be happy when…” It is no longer being supported inside my mind.

I want every day to matter. Don’t you?

A few years ago I experienced probably one of the craziest things to happen in my entire life. While on vacation, I came face-to-face with a panther. (You can be read about here: http://www.pattypowersnyc.blogspot.com/2011/10/death-defying-summer-vacation.html). This event was probably one of the most transformative spiritual experiences of my life. At first whenever I thought back on the panther experience, my body would kick into a simulated fight and flight trauma response. Now it kicks up the joyful feeling of excitement that I felt when I thought I was about to die (for real) and I looked at the sky and trees and panoramic view and realized how LUCKY I am to have had the chance to be here – on this planet. To exist here. To experience this life. As cornball as this sounds, I’ve never really lost that feeling – and I do believe we are all so lucky to be here. It is such a beautiful planet. No matter how we feel, what shape our life is in – we really can step outside and take a good look and slow things down, get out of the prison of our mind and find some beauty nearby. Beauty is a mood lifter and it is always available to us if we make the effort to seek it.

As 2014 comes to a close, I am feeling a lot of gratitude. This past year has been a peaceful one for me – and this has not always been the case. A lot of amazing stuff has happened on a professional and personal level but what really blows my mind is that there has been a real deep shift inside of me this year that I know is a direct result of all the accumulative work I’ve done on myself throughout my years in recovery – working a program, therapy, EMDR, etc. This doesn’t make me special or my recovery exceptional. I’m witnessing these same changes in others all the time. I’m just personally blown away to discover that I continue to change and find a deeper peace inside of myself. I truly feel safe. It’s easy to remember my life in the days leading up to my first day clean in 1988 and recall with fondness all the fun and drama and running and hiding (from myself) I have done over my years clean. Mostly, I’m grateful I’ve remained willing to grow – and I keep being surprised by how good I feel.

One thing I can say that was consistent with how I spent 2014 is that every single day I spent time outside and I appreciated whatever weather I was walking in. I was living mindfully in small ways. I was always celebrating nothing and celebrating everything. I hope this blog can inspire you to do the same in 2015.

Early Recovery: You want me to exercise too?

October 15, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, clean, depression, disease, dopamine, Drugs, endorphins, exercise, Feelings, fellowship, fitness, fitness classes, gratitude, gyms, HALT, health, heroin, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, obsession, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tips, triggerpattypowers

When I was eleven I was on my school’s gymnastic team. A year later I traded in all my after-school activities for boys and drugs. From that point until I entered rehab at twenty-eight, the only exercise I got was from sex or from being chased by police dogs. I don’t know if this qualifies as a ”fitness phase” but in my late teens I’d regularly jog from 14th and Third to Avenue D to cop heroin. In those days cabs wouldn’t go into Alphabet City and jogging felt safer than walking.

When I got clean and sober my body started sending signals to my brain “Hey remember me? I’ve been sustaining this girl while you were hijacked by active addiction? Can you get her to give me a little attention please?” because out of nowhere I wanted to start exercising. I had a few friends who were “gym nuts” but my entry into fitness started slow. I couldn’t feign the enthusiasm for working out that they had. When they’d try to cheer me on I’d get annoyed. I deliberately started going when I knew they weren’t there.

My gym experience was miserable. I’d be bored after a few laps around the track. I could only dog-paddle around the pool for so long before I’d feel ridiculous. And forget about figuring out how to use the resistance machines. Even if someone took time to explain them to me, I couldn’t pay attention. My ADD stressed-out brain would get overwhelmed. I loved the idea of being strong and fit with a fabulous body but I definitely didn’t have any love for the gym. After a while it felt like I was paying a monthly membership so that I could hate myself in entirely new ways. But I kept showing up.

Here’s the thing. Everything I was going through was totally normal for the amount of drugs I’d been using and the length of time I’d been using them. It was going to take a while for my brain to rebalance itself. In the 80s there wasn’t the science and research to back what I was discovering first hand in my recovery process. All I knew was that for the first four months I was either too hot or too cold. I would feel happy and out of nowhere be filled with anxiety. Stress seemed to be irrational. It could be set off by an idea. I got my first good night’s sleep somewhere between 5 and 6 months clean and it took a year before I could read a page in a novel and be able to tell you what I’d read. I’d either be wired for sound or completely lackluster. It was normal to be laughing and crying in the space of five minutes. When someone with less clean time than me said they were running five miles a day I wanted to slit my throat.

Here’s what was happening in my brain. During prolonged drug use, dopamine receptors get jacked up, sometimes 1500 times higher than their natural levels. The brain stops releasing natural dopamine and endorphins in an attempt to rebalance itself. Dopamine is what drives out desires. It’s responsible for motivating us and rewarding us. This is how we experience intense pleasure, love, and connection. When you take away drugs and alcohol there’s a major drop in dopamine levels. We feel this deficit as lack of motivation and lack of reward. This means that even things that should feel great only feel slightly satisfying. It’s hard to maintain motivation when there is no immediate pay off. When the brain’s in dopamine-deficit mode it creates stress. This is what makes it hard to focus attention and why it’s difficult to sleep. The brain responds to low dopamine levels the way we respond to heartbreak. It yearns. So even if the obsession to get high has been lifted and drug cravings have vanished, it’s normal for a strange broken-hearted despair to linger over everything.

Healing takes time. Luckily the brain, body, and spirit (the you) want to survive and thrive. It wants to restore itself and our lifestyle changes speed up the payoff. At the beginning I couldn’t muster up motivation to workout because I wasn’t getting enough of a pleasure payout but I continued to show up at the gym and do what I could. Eventually I found what worked for me. When I started getting an endorphin high from aerobic classes I understood what motivated people to run five miles or run marathons.

I began to sleep better and my energy increased. Weird new positive feelings started surfacing. I felt proud of myself for staying committed to my health and my recovery, self-esteem started silencing some of the self-hate. It’s crazy how all it took was finding the right workout to boost my endorphins and the payoff was immediate.

If I get honest, what drove me to join a gym, aside from peer pressure, was vanity. I wanted a slamming body. I instead I got hooked on the feelings and this is what sustained my motivation. The body thing just sort of happened as a bi-product.

If you are new to recovery (or an oldtimer who has avoided exercising) I hope you find a form of cardio that excites you. Your brain will reward you for it, your immune system will strengthen and yes – your body will change.

Vulnerability

October 3, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, anxiety, CA, CMA, cocaine, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, health, meth, NA, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, tips, vulnerabilitypattypowers

Recovery is the process of becoming fearless. This means shedding the layers of psychic armor we’ve built around ourselves to hide and protect us from the unknown. Without armor we feel vulnerable and this feeling of vulnerability is the thing most addicts fear the most. The irony is that this is where our greatest strength can be found.

Addicts come into recovery with decades of built up armor. Maybe it went up early in life, before drugs even entered the equation, as a defense against other dangers such as violence, sexual abuse, neglect, and emotional abuse. Then drugs came along adding even more layers. In active addiction there’s good reason to not to feel safe. In the world of active addiction vulnerability is a sign of weakness, a sucker waiting to be had.

In recovery vulnerability is strength. When we meet someone who is open and unguarded we experience feelings of safety and warmth. We feel their authenticity. What you see is what you get. These people have courage to embrace life without the need for armor. We are attracted to this.

Armor limits our capacity for real intimacy. It protected us from danger but it also distanced us from our own painful experiences and locked away the feelings that were too difficult to process. In recovery, whether we like it or not, our emotions begin to thaw. This is how we start to shed our armor. By sharing our stories, our feelings, our confusion, and acknowledge our need to connect to others we learn to expose our true selves. This process is natural and gradual. We find people we feel safe with – usually people whose own strength lay in their vulnerability, their compassion and empathy – and we begin to reveal ourselves to them. This is how we shed our armor. As we learn to trust we make authentic connections based in honesty. We grow in our capacity for intimacy.

In time we experience the freedom that comes from not having to hide behind image or attitude. We are multi-dimensional. We’re more than the clown or the gangster, a haircut and an outfit, the party girl, the wild one. When our armor comes off we no longer need to pretend to be any more or any less than who we are. We discover our greatest strength comes from being ourselves.

Relapse and Suicide

September 3, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, anxiety, depression, disease, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, health, heroin, holidays, hopelessness, lonely, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, suicide, suicide and relapse, suicide prevention, support, tipspattypowers

World Suicide Prevention Day is coming up on Sept 10^th. If you have been in recovery for a while chances are you’ve known someone who has committed suicide while on a relapse. In fact, it’s not unusual to have been touched by suicide even before coming into recovery. A life spent in both active addiction and recovery carries within it a lot of tragedy and grief. There’s usually a body count.

We know that drugs kill yet I have seen many people protect their own recovery by avoiding friends who have relapsed. They may reach out once or twice but when the friend doesn’t get clean right away, they get cut off. I’m not suggesting that people in recovery need to open their lives up to the level of drama an active addict can bring into it but I do think it’s important to open up a discussion around what we can do for our suffering friends. The loneliness, hopelessness and self-hate may be what bring them back into recovery but it may also be a level of pain (especially after having lost substantial clean time) that makes the idea of suicide an option to them.

I’ve had several friends commit suicide while they were on relapses. One had tried getting clean repeatedly and had burned out most of his friends by the time he killed himself. He’d been a popular well-liked guy and the funeral was attended by at least a hundred recovering addicts. His closest friends were racked with guilt for having cut him off but believed it was the only way they could maintain personal sanity. The question on everyone’s lips was “What could we have done?”

It’s important to have boundaries, especially with people who are in active addiction. No one wants someone showing up at the door unannounced, constantly being asked for money, or having to live in fear of break-ins and theft. But we can’t forget the loneliness and hopelessness of active addiction. Small acts of kindness go a long way – and it can be done without surrendering your safety or sanity. A regular phone call, dropping by with some sandwiches, offering to accompany them to detox or a 12-step meeting can be done with support from other recovering addicts. By showing unconditional love they’ll know they can come to you when they’re ready to get clean. It requires a level of commitment to be consistent with contact – whether daily, once a week, or you divide it up among friends. It’s important that the person on a relapse knows they can call you to talk about anything without being judged. But remember, when it comes to thoughts of suicide, many addicts hold them secret. They may never confide these thoughts to you because their experience has taught them they will be judged for having suicidal feelings. Look online or contact a local suicide prevention center and ask if they have an information card that you can give to someone you are worried about. It’s okay to hand this to your friend and say “I don’t know if you would ever tell me if you feel like killing yourself but keep this card if these thoughts ever come up”. Also tell them you will always take them to the hospital if they ever feel like they are a danger to themselves. Check the laws in your area to see if they have a 72-hour psychiatric watch in place for people suspected of being a danger to themselves or others and get information on it. Some states call this the Baker Act. If your friend refuses to re-enter recovery, suggest seeing a therapist to treat depression. If you can get them to do this, it is one step closer to helping them move toward recovery.

Handling a friend who’s on a relapse requires unconditional love, patience, and compassion with boundaries. A group effort is less emotionally taxing. Do not neglect your own self-care. Share your feelings with others. While ultimately we are powerless over what another person does, we are not powerless to provide them with information and options. Relapse is reversible but suicide is not.

The Extraordinariness of Ordinary Days

August 20, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, angry, anxiety, depression, Drugs, exercise, family, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, health, Kerouac, meditate, meetings, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, relationships, sober, Sobriety, substance abuse, tipspattypowers

In my teens and twenties, I fell in love with reading novels that blurred the line between fact and fiction. I would read everything I could get my hands on about each author so I could tease out the real story from what was in the novel. What I discovered disappointed me. Other than the adventures that inspired their fictitious pages, nothing much happened in their downtime. For example, Jack Kerouac sat in an easy chair watching TV and drinking beer with his mother for months on end. I realize that this was when they did their writing but it was a letdown to my nineteen-year old self. I saw no value in ordinary days.

During the early days of getting clean and sober it’s such an overwhelming experience that the process of adjusting to life on its own terms is an adventure all its own. The high highs and low lows are almost comforting because emotional instability is familiar to us. We may cry that we want inner peace but what we usually mean is that we want a little less intensity.

Once that inner turmoil normalizes, most of us go through a phase of creating drama because anything less feels like boredom. The no-drama grey area is too uncomfortable. We act out in anger, start arguments, begin gossiping, act inappropriately on the job, go hunting for sexual or romantic companionship – anything to not have to feel bored.

In time we gain experience living without having to Ping-Pong between highs and lows and we start to find comfort in the grey area. We can sit with our feelings. We’re surprise when we discover that drama no longer seduces us. Life goes on. We exercise, meditate, create goals, get hobbies and develop new interests, and attain healthy relationships.

But do we ever really value our ordinary days? I still get caught up in goals and deadlines, projects unfinished, the pressure of time passing. I savor the fun stuff as much as my peace of mind but sometimes I wonder if part of me still the 19-year old longing for on-the-page adventure while undervaluing the ordinary day. I know most people – not just people in recovery – plan activities to look forward to and “get through” the days leading up to them. Practicing mindfulness brings us into the moment but do we really feel gratitude for dull daily routines?

It isn’t until we are faced with crisis, loss, grief, tragedy, health issues, or a relationship storm that all we want is for things to “go back to normal”. Gratitude comes as a reminder that we have it good. Gratitude may cross our minds when we watch the news and realize the horrors people experience but sustaining feelings of gratitude requires conscious effort when day after day is filled up by work, laundry, grocery shopping, errands, and the whole “to-do” list. Sure, life always presents new adventures and excitement – we know this from experience – but the majority of the time it’s the typical “day in a life” stuff. It’s no different than what I learned about the favorite writers of my youth.

Recently someone new to recovery shared a gratitude list with me. It was simple: health, family and ordinary days. The words “gratitude for ordinary days” jumped off the page and shifted my perspective on my own life. I wanted to share it in the hope that it does the same for you.

Multi-tasking Recovery

August 5, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, alcoholics anonymous, cooking, Drugs, Feelings, food, gratitude, health, meditate, Meditation, mindfulness, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, Stress, substance abuse, support, tipspattypowers

Remember what it was like when you first got clean? How suddenly there was so much to do? For many of us it went from a life focused on one goal – getting high – to a full life in recovery. This meant learning how to juggle all our new commitments of not only rejoining life (a job, honoring financial responsibilities, reuniting with loved ones) but also incorporating time for meetings, new friendships, the gym, new hobbies, meditation, therapy, health and dental check ups. The list goes on. While it felt great to be taking care of ourselves, it was overwhelming to have days that were busy until ten or eleven at night without a break. “Will it be like this forever?” we’d ask old-timers, wanting reassurance that eventually we could take a break.

We create healthy new habits that become part of the fabric of our lives and we stick with them because they make us feel good. Our lives run smoothly until we experience change – a change in jobs, new responsibilities, new romantic relationships – and we have to adjust our schedule accordingly. Unfortunately, addicts are prone to amnesia. We make deals with ourselves based on what has the highest rewards with the least labor. It feels good to snuggle in front of a movie with our date so we let the gym slide. We need that overtime so we cut back on meetings. We gravitate back to junk food because we didn’t have time to go to the supermarket. And forget about meditation. Who has the time to sit?

I spent last week at a friend’s country house in upstate New York. The plan was to work on my book and to help harvest their garden. On the way up I offered to make a gooseberry pie since no one seemed to know what to do with all the gooseberries. As soon as we arrived I put on a bikini and headed for the garden. I had no idea that gooseberry bushes were a tangle of thorn-covered branches or that each berry had a small spike of its own. I really wanted to get it over with so I could start writing but quickly realized that this was not going to be a job I could rush.

Hours later I was so scratched I looked like I’d been in a cat fight but I had two large bowls of berries. It surprised me to realize that I’d arrived to a country visit expecting to maintain my city pace. While picking berries it dawned on me that being self-employed in a freelance way, I create momentum by applying a certain level of stress and urgency where there probably isn’t any need for it. Somewhere in my mind, I equate that feeling of urgency with energy when it comes to productivity. Yes – even with years clean and all the mindfulness tools at my disposal I get amnesia. It took picking berries for me to recognize the pressure I put on myself to be productive.

When it came time to make the pie I discovered that each berry had to be cleaned from its thorn and that most thorns stuck to my hands and fell into the bowl of cleaned berries. It was not an easy job. Three hours later I was ready to make a pie. This pie-prep experience turned into something of a spiritual epiphany for me. The slowing down, being in the moment, and concentrated focus was similar to a meditation and the results were similar. I was forced to set aside expectations and my tendency to rush through my day. What is the point of rushing through life when this time is finite? Yet it is how most of us live. We rush through things that feel like work and try to bask in the things we decide are pleasure. What if we turn as much of our experiences into pleasure by mindfully being present to them? This is an easy way to multi-task recovery and reap the benefits.

Preparing a meal is the one time of day where you can allow yourself to exhale. Whether it is chopping produce or stirring something on the stove, this is a time you can redirect your attention away from the future. The great part is that it is not slowing down the actual process of making the meal. Taking a break from the fast pace of our lives will give us more energy throughout the day. All we are doing is essentially following that old saying, “Stop and smell the roses.” Some people find washing dishes to be a meditation. You can bring mindfulness into almost any activity that you do. All it takes is letting go of the idea of urgency, paying attention to what is in front of you, and you will be living in the moment. You don’t have to restrict mindfulness to a formal meditation or a yoga class.

My gooseberry epiphany was not new. Recovery is about learning what works, forgetting, and relearning. Just because we can veer away from what works does not mean we can’t reclaim it.

Laughter Matters!

July 10, 2014All Things Recovery12 step, AA, addiction, afterpartychat, alcoholics anonymous, Alcoholism, Anna David, Bill Hicks, depression, Drugs, Feelings, fellowship, gratitude, HALT, health, heroin, laughter, lonely, Marc maron, Narcotics Anonymous, Newcomers, Powerless, recovery, Relapse, sober, Sobriety, stand-up comedians, Stress, substance abuse, support, WTF podcastpattypowers

How do YOU get your laugh on?
I’m not talking about a few chuckles. I’m talking about the spontaneous kind of laughter that comes from deep inside – when the release your body experiences is so overwhelming it feels like you might start crying. And during that split second of emotion it’s almost scary to lose control. But we don’t cry. In fact we feel so alive that we keep waiting and hoping it will happen again. It’s such a transformative experience we can’t wait to share it with people. “You’ve got to see____ you will pee yourself.” “I laughed so hard it hurts.” Laughter always makes us feel better.

Let’s face it – being a grown-up is a lot of work and it can get pretty serious keeping it all together, so much responsibility, people depending on you, jobs to be done, errands to be run – we all have so much to do. Even the good stuff gets added onto the never-ending to-do list. Worked out – check. Yoga – check. Manicure – check. Paid bills – check. Returned calls – check. The list never ends. While it’s satisfying to complete tasks, sometimes you just have to bust out of the “life-is-a job” routine and laugh until it hurts.

At 7 years clean the novelty of self-care and even working a program seemed to have fallen into the “to-do list” category. It was a cold dark winter. I was sick of healing myself 24 hours a day. Winter depression was sneaking in and because I was afraid it would kick my butt I went to the video store (yes it was that long ago) and began renting old comedies and my entre attitude began to change. These days I get my laugh on by Youtubing stand-up comedians, going to comedy clubs, and listening to podcast interviews with comedians (who are often in recovery). I want to use this week’s blog to bring some laughter into your life to help release the stress you’ve been carrying around. Spend an hour with a stand-up comedian and enjoy an hour not spent thinking about you. It pays off.

Comedy is subjective. What makes one person laugh their ass off may not get a chuckle out of the next person. So find what works for you and indulge yourself. Really great comedians are the philosophers of our time. Not only will they entertain you, they’ll plant seeds for new ways of seeing the world. You may not agree with them but they will get you thinking and exploring your own ideas. This makes comedy a personal creative experience.

One of my favorite comedians – well I have many – is Bill Hicks. A long time addict and alcoholic, Bill eventually got clean only to discover he was dying of cancer. His last major tour produced his greatest work. I have included a snippet of it at the end of this blog. His message is very spiritual. And his drug stories will have you shout out “Oh my God – he’s nailed it!”

Comedians are like us – a great number of them are active addicts and alcoholics and almost as many are in recovery. Comedians are relatable. Marc Maron is one of the best interviewers on the Internet today. His podcast http://www.wtfpod.com/ is fantastic. Many of his interviews are with people in recovery and he holds back nothing. You’ll be surprised by how emotionally raw these interviews are while still being wildly entertaining. Another great podcast is http://afterpartychat.com/category/podcast/. Anna David’s guests are all in recovery and many are comedians.

Two years ago I was going through a very dark time. It was over 100 degrees in New York City and my building was being re-wired so there was not only no air conditioning but the workers damaged so many pipes that my bathroom ceiling collapsed and my apartment was filled with mold. Add to this six friends died in a three-month period – all of them had been in 12-Step programs at one time or another. My oldest and dearest friend managed to get 6 days clean and then overdosed on methadone. During this time I experienced a level of grief I didn’t know existed. I leaned hard on stand-up comedy – I went to comedy clubs alone, watched comedy specials on cable, and YouTube’d stand-up until dawn. I swear between my recovery support group and comedy I made it through this very sad time. Laughter helped to heal me. Comedy has the power to transport us away from the prison of self-obsession and return us a little lighter and more capable of dealing with whatever is at hand.

Get your laugh on. It matters and it heals.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMUiwTubYu0

Patty Powers

Recovery Coach // NYC