Tag Archives: AA

What do you mean – give myself a break?

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give yourself a break I used to cringe whenever anyone told me to “give myself a break”. In early recovery my head was always racing between regrets and future tripping. I couldn’t make sense of all the emotions that were creating anxiety so whenever anyone told me to give myself a break all I felt was shame as if it was my fault that I was feeling this inner turmoil. The funny thing is that hearing these words   hit my “pause” switch causing my attention to turn to something else and I would feel a little better. This saying is like a communal Band-Aid recovering addicts share with one another. We pass it around blindly without instruction or explanation. Our brains have been wired to function according to whatever substance we have been using. When we get clean it has to readjust to functioning without drugs. This is what I call the “landing back in our bodies” phase. It’s like the GPS in the car. If you program a location and then take a different route what happens? The   GPS starts freaking out “Reconfigure! Reconfigure!” Well, that’s what our brain is doing in early recovery. While we can turn off a GPS to get some peace and quiet, it’s harder to turn off our thinking.   Human Beings experience internal monologues. The reason it’s important for addicts in recovery to have tools to cope with this inner chatter is because usually it’s the source of our anxiety. If we feel bad enough long enough getting high or having a drink will present itself as the logical remedy for our discomfort. We spend more time trying to think our way into thinking less yet we can give ourselves a break at any time by turning our attention to something beautiful in nature to calm our spirit. This could be the color of the sky or the clouds you see from your window, a tree or a flower – whatever is close at hand.  You can spare a couple minutes to flip your switch. Pay close attention to your breathing. Again, this can be done anywhere. Mouth closed, feel the air moving in and out of your nostrils. Notice if it feels colder going in and warmer going out. Maybe you’ll become aware of your heartbeat. When we put the attention on our body and come into the moment, our awareness grows. This isn’t to say that you’re head’s not going to resist at first. “You don’t have the time. You should phone ____.  Finish what you’re doing. You can do the mindfulness shit later. Looking out the window isn’t going to change anything”. The disease-mind will always try to resist yet this is exactly the dialogue you’re giving yourself a break from. We can’t think our way into living in the moment.  It’s unfortunate that our response to reality is to find ways to escape it.  Giving yourself a break means not allow yourself to be a prisoner of your mind. This spinning out of control negative self-talk has got to go. Peace of mind is possible.

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Early Recovery? Watch what you say!

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road to recovery

Working with addicts and alcoholics I pay close attention to the details. My mind tends to create graphs and charts of behaviors, of sayings, of what works and what doesn’t. I witness people who come into recovery with a deep fear of relapse and others who say things like “I know I will never use again.” In my experience, it is this second group who will have a harder time staying clean.

If you’ve ever said any of the following, keep reading.

I know I’ll never use again.

I can’t relapse again because I’ll die.

I’m not using again ever.

Nothing will make me get high again – ever.

I know I’m done.

I can’t use again because – (list logical reasons)

It seems to me that all of these phrases under-estimate the power of the disease of addiction. After all the pain and suffering, after all the failed attempts at getting clean before now, where does the confidence in saying “I know I’ll never use again” come from? I think it’s like standing on the trapdoor on a stage but the disease has kept you too distracted to look down to see where you are.

Being overly confident in early recovery will rob you of the required motivation to stay the course.  There are no guarantees anyone will stay clean. Relapse rates are high. The disease of addiction is incurable. Thirty days in rehab did not cure you. It may have improved your health and repaired some areas of your life but, in terms of recovery, it is just the beginning. Recovery is the ongoing work of learning how to exist in this world with all of your feelings – the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Fear is a healthy response to taking on a disease that is so powerful it was destroying your life, your health, and your relationships. Fear provides the impetus to take positive actions when you really just want to turn off the phone, close the door, and avoid dealing with the world. It ignites the courage you need to begin the process of recovery.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in confident proclamations such as, “We don’t use no matter what.” (We don’t use no matter what we are going through).  Not using “no matter what” means we acknowledge that there will be difficult or painful times when staying clean will seem next to impossible. But we don’t use – even then – no matter what.

I believe that freedom from active addiction is achievable for anyone who wants it and that it is absolutely natural to be fearful at the start of this journey. After all, recovery is the gradual process of becoming fearless.

 

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My varieties of transformative experience/spiritual experience

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A really strange thing keeps happening to me. I keep feeling “lucky” to be here. Not in the usual “I’m lucky to be alive” or “lucky to be clean” gratitude way. It’s more that I feel lucky that I’m getting to have this experience of being on earth. It keeps washing over me in an exciting positive way – but I have to admit it’s weird to think about. It makes me feel like a visitor.

I’ll never forget when it first happened. I came face to face with a black panther on a deserted farm road.in Ontario.  It was a totally unexplainable situation because panthers aren’t indigenous to Canada, never mind one hour from the largest city in the country. I’d stopped my bicycle on an isolated farm road when it stepped out of the woods, made eye contact with me then assumed a crouched attack position from twenty or thirty feet. I wrote about it here: http://pattypowersnyc.blogspot.com/2011/10/death-defying-summer-vacation.html.

 

During that split-second when I averted my gaze to take what I assumed was my final look at the blue sky and the green landscape, the beauty of it all, my only thought was how lucky I’ve been able to be here to have experienced this beautiful planet.  Even while I was thinking this I knew it was a weird response to the situation.panther_field

Another time I was watching the Mars Rover landing when the camera turned and captured our planet. This time when I was swept with this feeling it was accompanied by gratitude that brought me to tears. Lately it’s been occurring on a regular basis wherever I am – minus the tears.  I can’t really explain it any better than I feel lucky. For me, this feeling isn’t connected to any particular God. I suppose it’s possible I’ve finally acquired enough inner peace that I’m more conscious of where I am and appreciative of the small (or big) things.  It’s not a voice in my head that says, “Look how beautiful this planet is” It says, “I’m so lucky I get to be here.” It’s a joyful feeling that co-mingles with a deep sense that there’s absolutely no point in sweating the small shit.

In program terms, my second step has been a continuous process of coming to believe. I haven’t really found a belief shingle to hang up yet – just my own bag of quirky spiritual experiences. Sometimes they’re so bizarre I have to roll my eyes at myself. Usually I’m embarrassed to admit them to anyone. In fact, I was planning to write this article about how alienating it is for people who have accumulated a lot of clean time to have the arrogance to tell any other member of their fellowship what they can or cannot say when sharing at a meeting. Instead I’m writing about my most private spiritual moments.

A few years ago  I was continually having discussions with myself on life and it’s meaning to me. I’d gone as far as to ask myself if I would be okay if my last living breath extinguished me for eternity – no reincarnation, no eternal universal energy. And – I was.  I figured if this was all there was I’d better pay attention.

A week after this conversation with myself I was in Miami with a friend searching for a Haitian psychic to read her cards. (Yes – this was how I spent the leisure time on my vacation!) We ended up in sort of voodoo/wiccan/spiritual/new age bookstore being told that for twenty bucks we could attend a past life regression group hypnosis.  It sounded like a kooky enough way to end my vacation.

Two-dozen people gathered in the backroom of the bookstore. One by one, we went around the room disclosing why we were there. While everyone was trying to get clarity on a current relationship, I was simply there for the ride. I’m like that kid in the commercial who’ll eat anything. I’ll try anything.

The hypnotist began counting backward. This was my experience.

It was dark and there was a  light muted in fog in the distance. I was trying to make sense of where I was. It reminded me of a dock on a lake and the light was coming from the far end of the dock. As I got closer I was engulfed in the fog and white light and was filled by a sense of excitement and playfulness. This permeated the entire experience. Next I was pulled into a bright white light. There was nagging sensation of weight somewhere although my joy kept propelling me through the light and into the darkness of outer space. Suddenly I was passing stars. My consciousness realized what was happening and I was filled with questions but understood they didn’t matter. In the distance were two pulsating blue lights and I knew that’s where I was heading. The whole thing was like a crazy sci-fi movie but I felt so happy I didn’t hesitate to speed forward. When I arrived at the blue lights I became blue light, like a firefly among fireflies dancing on a star. Again, there was a peculiar sense of weight somewhere. I wanted to ask questions and understand there was no need.

When the hypnotist’s voice announced he would begin counting backwards I looked down and saw a hole I could jump through to get back.  I jumped and passed though a wall of gas and fire, back through space passing stars, through the white light, the fog and the darkness until I was back in my body on the bookstore floor in North Miami.  I experienced my weight subjectively in a way that’s impossible to describe. I was unable to move for a good 30 seconds.

The experience was like déjà vu of an acid trip I’d had when I was twelve or thirteen although this had been different because of the complete and utter joy I’d felt. This has clung to me. When my worries pop up I remind myself that my pure essence is joy and playfulness and that I shouldn’t sweat the small shit.  Again, I’m filled by a profound sense that I am okay. There is no need to worry about anything.

I’m always up for any sort of adventure and have a very creative mind so I have questioned whether or not I made this all up. I know the panther was real because there were seven more sightings of it that summer but the rest – who knows? Was I blue light dancing on a star? Does it matter? Am I am visitor? Are we all just visitors?   I don’t even care if there are answers to these questions. Maybe my experiences were a self-induced hallucination or maybe they are my version of spiritual experience – something that has been transformative, lessened my fear and helped to make me more present in this life. I’m happy I had them – whatever they were

I’ve always been the sort of person who gets bored easily. In the 24 years I’ve been clean, it’s never gotten boring. In fact, the really good stuff seems to have started happening after twenty years clean. I’m talking about the good stuff on the inside. It’s like I’ve been opening new doors that are making me a happier person. If this is what it’s like at 24 years, I can’t even imagine what it might be like at 30.  My inner life keeps getting more fun and the benefits aren’t fleeting. I’m sure it’s different for everyone but if you ask around I can pretty much guarantee that old-timers will tell you that all the work you’re doing is well worth it for what you are going to get back.

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Recognizing Springtime Triggers

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spring time triggers

Spring has finally sprung. If this is your first season change clean and sober I’m here to discuss a new trigger that is probably creating some discomfort for you. Sometimes it’s just reassuring to know that the weird shit tripping up your mood, your mind, and maybe even your overall wellbeing is nothing unusual in the realm of recovery. I always find comfort in knowing that my twisted assessment of my own mental health isn’t unique. In terms of recovery, identification is a step toward dismantling the power of disease-thinking (the stuff that can lead us away from recovery and toward relapse).Disease-thinking (our addict-mind) has a way of taking an hour of emotional discomfort and convincing us that these bad feelings are NEVER going to go away EVER, that life is going to suck always, that pain is here to stay. It’s almost comical when years into the recovery process you catch yourself investing in this lie until a light bulb goes on and you remember that you’re temporarily lost in a hall of mirrors and that – yes  – this too shall pass.

The number one heart-stopper for people in recovery seems to be the first sighting of outdoor cafés that serves liquor.  I mean – the whole package will hit you and wax poetic nostalgia – those balmy evenings or lazy Sunday afternoons lounging around killing a few margaritas or sangria or wine or beer or whatever you ever drank outside. In the memory you are peacefully alone and buzzed or having an amazing time with friends. You are younger, better looking, happier, fitter, richer, more playful – basically your memory will go back to a time when getting loaded was without consequences and when you really had your game on. And during that moment of memory you will feel your heart breaking and a voice will pop into your head that will tell you that this is where you draw the line. “How can you give up the outdoor summer partying? You will never stay sober. You will never again feel that happy.” The whole of your Being will be filled with longing. (Mind you – what I’m describing happens within seconds of catching a glimpse of that place from the corner of your eye but it will hit you with such force that it will be impossible to comprehend that it is simply a feeling and that it’s going to pass).

This is a perfect example of how the disease works. Total amnesia of all the pain and suffering that came along as a result of substance abuse. The focus is narrowed down to specific body memory of relaxation, joy, and probably a time where there was far less responsibility and accountability in your life. This is the siren song the Viking heard before he jumped ship.

I don’t know anyone clean who hasn’t felt this pull especially after a long winter. In a way there is some genuine grieving of youth involved and if you’re newly sober you will still be grieving the loss of your long -term relationship to drugs and alcohol.  It’s important to talk about these feelings with someone to take the power out of them. It is also important to believe that this feeling will pass.  I would suggest you begin creating new memories of outdoor cafes with sober friends and not to park yourself alone at one of your old haunts because – what’s that saying? If you hang around the barbershop too long, you’ll probably end up getting a haircut? In a few weeks you’ll cease to notice anything particularly seductive about these establishments.Until then, the initial sightings will trigger you the same way that passing your old drug-buying block or neighborhood bar did when you first got clean.

To snap out of the obsession find some nature – whether it’s a garden, a tree, the beach, the sky, or a green lawn and spend ten minutes there. Notice the details of the beautiful planet we get to live on. Take deep inhalations through your nose and pay attention to how the air feels entering your nostrils and how warm it feels when you exhale through your mouth. Make a mental gratitude list. Then get on with your day.

 

My first four years in recovery were spent in Los Angeles and weather never triggered me but ever since I moved back to NYC,  I experience nostalgia for long ago good times whenever there’s a radical change of weather. Outdoor patios, the cozy warmth of a moodily-lit bar during a snowstorm, and even the sound of the ice cream truck will remind me of how much I loved getting high. Luckily I can still access the much more detailed story of all the suffering that occurred on all the other days so I don’t get too seduced by my strolls down memory lane – but they do still hit me because I’m an addict and my disease is always looking for a way to invalidate my life in the present moment so that my fantasy life of this painless past can sing to me until it can get me to jump my Viking ship. I’ve gotta take my hat off to the determination of the disease of addiction. It might be weakened to a minimal heartbeat but that f**ker wants to get its power over me back. It’s not a quitter. This is how I know I am not cured.

Feelings are like our internal weather – the “nature” part of our human nature. Sun, clouds, rain, wind sun again.  Let them move through you and do not fear them. It is wonderful to be clean and alive and human. We are fortunate to be able to have feelings! After all, we know the price of the alternative.

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Eating Disorders in Recovery & our response to them

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National Eating Disorder Awareness Week (Feb. 24-March 2, 2013)

In 1990, I saw the profoundly disturbing movie Eating by Henry Jaglom. Prior to this, I was oblivious to eating disorders. The film was about a group of women cooking for a celebration. Throughout the film, they individually act out in their respective eating disorders. Watching their secrecy, shame, self-loathing, and powerlessness triggered an overwhelming sense memory in me. What they were feeling was no different than how I felt shooting coke in a locked bathroom. It made me realize how similar eating disorders were to addiction. Seeing this film helped me to feel empathy and compassion for my women friends who continued to struggle with bulimia even after years in recovery.

Our society isn’t very compassionate toward people who have diseases that manifest in self-destruction.  “How can I feel sorry for him? No one is putting a gun to his head forcing him to take heroin.”  While society is finally becoming educated in substance abuse and depression, eating disorders make people uncomfortable. It is cruel when adjectives such as lazy, greedy, and glutinous are used to describe over-eaters and those suffering from obesity. It is just as cruel to pretend there isn’t a disease affecting the health of a friend. People in 12-Step meetings become uncomfortable, even angry, if a member shares about vomiting after meals even if they share that this behavior makes them want to get high. The  whispering and dissing of the “skinny girl” is harmful and hateful. Eating disorders do not arise out of thin air. Childhood pain, violence, trauma, abuse, and sexual abuse are often at the core.

Recovering addicts and alcoholics with eating disorders are fortunate to already have a language to describe their experience. They have recovery tools and support. They know how to walk into a fellowship for their specific eating disorder and ask for help.  Yet, even with this leg-up, the road to ED recovery is riddled with potholes. I know many women with decades clean and sober whose recovery from bulimia continues to be two steps forward one step back. Binge eating relapses keep them trapped in a cycle of shame, self-berating, hopelessness, and despair even while they are role models of recovery in their primary 12-Step group.

Sustainable recovery from eating disorders is very difficult and painful and we (society as a whole and those of us fortunate to be in recovery ourselves) should be extending kindness, support, and compassion to anyone who is suffering so that they do not have to isolate in secrecy and shame. We can help by encouraging them to be honest and courageous, and by guiding them to professionals who can give them the help they need. Our generosity and love does not have to be insular. We have enough that it can be shared beyond the confines of our particular substance abuse group.

A dear friend in recovery became anorexic this past year. At first, I tried helping by applying what works to cut through the denial and arrest the disease of addiction but this was different. I realized she needed professional help and we found a therapist willing to work within her budget. After several months, it was clear that she needed a higher level of care – inpatient. Unfortunately, unlike drug addiction, there is very little help available in America for anorexics without financial resources. Anorexia Nervosa is a disease that leads to death – if not from starvation, it can cause a heart attack, fainting behind the wheel, shattered bones, and major organs shutting down. Many anorexics commit suicide before their bodies fail. Yet even with the high suicide rate statistics, there is very little help offered to people without $30,000 to spare or comprehensive health insurance. In my friend’s case though, it’s going to take more than good insurance or extra cash in the bank. Even after being discharged from therapy and told she needs a higher level of care, the denial continues to convince my friend that this disease can be self-managed.

No one could force me to get clean and I can’t force her into inpatient treatment. I hope she becomes willing. I continue to encourage her to not give up, to pray to whatever she believes in or doesn’t believe in, to blindly ask the universe or her own heart to guide her to safety so she can live. She asked me to dedicate this week’s blog in honor of Eating Disorder Awareness Week.

You may have friends in recovery living in shame, guilt and secrecy, suffering from an eating disorder they have not made public. These friends are your opportunity to practice empathy, compassion, tolerance and patience. Help them to feel safe enough to bring their ED out of the darkness. Eating disorders are not gender specific. Men this is your opportunity to bring your ED out of the closet so other men will not feel so alone. Together, in loving kindness, we can all recover.

For anyone reading this blog who may be suffering from an eating disorder, there is plenty of information online for local helplines, resources, 12 step groups. Not everyone needs to go to a treatment facility. Most eating disorders can be arrested and a healthy recovery can occur using a combination of 12 step meetings, therapy, trauma work (such as EMDR or gestalt therapy), and Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) groups, mindfulness (such as meditation, yoga, breathing exercises). Your life is worth it.

The following is a guest blog written by my friend who has Anorexia Nervosa. I asked her to write about her inner experience living with this disease. Perhaps next year she will be able to share her recovery from this illness.

eating disorders kill

 

Anorexia? WTF Happened?

During the course of this vicious anorexia cycle, I have confided consistently with one person. This alone may have saved my life— so far.

I don’t exactly remember when the idea had surfaced that I had an eating disorder.  At some point in late 2011 something started happening internally that resulted in an increase of anxiety, not sleeping, not eating, horrible leg cramps, night terrors, depression, anger, and hopelessness.  By April 2012 I had been in therapy for five months and remember feeling completely disconnected from my body. My mind was constantly spinning and I had 3 years clean from drugs and alcohol. I wanted to escape the screaming in my head and the pressure I constantly felt. Using and suicide bounced in and out of my mind.

I had slowly stopped eating. Well- I wouldn’t eat a couple days, but then would eat a few days and be fine. I didn’t really obsess over it and it was just one of those habits I think I had always had- since childhood. The idea of eating never really mattered to me much and the thoughts of over eating (or watching others over eat) grossly disgusted me. My frame is naturally small and the most weight I had ever gained was through both my pregnancies which I absolutely hated. Even though I had lost all the weight I had gained through my practically back to back pregnancies, my body was left with deep stretch marks which leave me with a strange self-conscience feeling I still have to this day.

Eventually, my first therapist kicked me out after about 10 minutes of what ended up being our last session. She looked at my sick body and advised me to come back after I sought help for my eating disorder. I hadn’t really talked much to this therapist but felt extreme anxiety when I knew I had an appointment that day and felt like I had been hit by a bus when I left. I don’t remember talking to her too much about anorexia.

Over the last year, I’m not sure why I have constantly denied that I could have an eating disorder. Most of the last year and a half has consisted of not eating, weighing myself obsessively, checking my BMI to see if I’m actually underweight (thinking that as my BMI is normal than I must not have a problem), puking every 3-4 days when I do actually eat, migraines, performing google searches about eating disorders, crying, punching walls, throwing chairs, anger, hiding out…

My health has been questionable. My digestive system feels fucked up. My heart rate and cholesterol are high. I’m almost positive I am anemic. I’ve passed out, lost track of time, been in four car accidents, fallen asleep at the wheel.  I have severe leg cramps every night which leave me falling down. I lost 30 lbs on my already somewhat small frame in the course of 4-5 month period and my weight was declining weekly. People were commenting on my body and it infuriated me when they questioned if I ate or if they told me that I’m getting too thin. I read articles and books about how to get help. I went to eating disorder meetings. I wrote letters to the fucking universe expressing my anger and pain and needing help.

Yet with all of the evidence pointing toward the clear fact that I do have an eating disorder problem, I continued to fight it (I still fight it).

I want help and I don’t want help. I want to fix my own problems and my own pain. I don’t want to let one more person close to me. I don’t want to become vulnerable.

I did eventually go to another therapist who specializes in eating disorders. I made as much of an effort as possible to kick this shit and feel better. I deactivated my gym membership, I gave up my scale, I wrote food logs. The terms were up front from the beginning with her. I had to stay honest. I had to do the work. If after a certain amount of time, no progress was made with my health, than she would recommend a higher level of treatment. This was and is one of my greatest fears. Needless to say, I was discharged in January of this year from my second therapist.

I actually made it to 4 years clean in January but feel like I am living my life in active addiction. I feel like I am in a downward spiral but not sure exactly what I am willing to do to get better. I still fantasize about all of this just disappearing on its own.  I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I tell myself things like this: I haven’t thrown up in a while now, I ate twice every day for 5 days in a row (only skipping two days of meals), I haven’t weighed myself since being at Publix two weeks ago, I am sleeping more than I had been sleeping, and that I haven’t lost any weight since my last therapy session. All of these things I tell myself eventually convince me that I can fix this by myself because I am obviously doing better than I was when this ‘eating disorder’ surfaced.

I absolutely hate everything about anorexia. I hate what is happening and feel trapped. I hate feeling like  there is something wrong with me and that I can’t control any of this. These are the same thoughts I have about addiction. I despise them both. I hate the internal fight of wanting to die and live all at once. And I hate feeling like I am being attacked by one or the other, if not both

Fuck addiction. Fuck anorexia.

Truth is- with all of my denial, anxiety, rage, depression, etc. –   I do hope that I continue to hold on until I get better.

 

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The SADs got you down?

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There are going to be times in recovery where you’ll feel like you’re flat lining. And it might happen when there is nothing particularly devastating or even mildly upsetting going on in your life. The signs might go something like this:

You picked up a bunch of produce at the supermarket but just found yourself throwing it out because it was starting to look like something for the compost. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches have just felt easier to make when you’ve been hungry, or a slab of cheese straight out of the package in front of the fridge even though you bought it to put in omelets. The eggs have been sitting there for almost two weeks and you’ve eaten two. Just not in the mood to cook anything. You suspect something is off especially since you’ve made such an effort to become a healthier eater this year. Skipping breakfast, consuming more bread, maybe eating a box of cookies – what’s up with that? You looked at the box of arugula all week knowing it would go bad if you didn’t take five minutes to make a salad but instead you grabbed a slice of pizza on the way home and killed your appetite. Now the arugula is in the trash. Besides, you haven’t even been really feeling hungry. You just throw something into your mouth because you know you have to eat.

The list you keep next to the computer of stuff you need to take care of hasn’t changed much the past two weeks. A few more things have been added on but only one item was scratched off. Nothing is really pressing so there’s been no harm recopying the errands onto next week’s list. You know one or two have to get dealt with this week though.

There’s a pile of bills that needs to be opened. You’re surprised that there’s a turn-off notice and that something else is due in two days. Have they really been sitting there that long?  Crazy, especially since you have the money to pay them.

Thank God you’ve still managed to get to the gym even if you do skip part of your workout. You just don’t have the energy for it. Even the post-workout vitality is short-lived. By the time you get home, you feel like taking a nap. Every day lately you feel like napping. Then you sleep like shit, either wake up after only a few hours or re-set the alarm and sleep as long as you can get away with.

You know you need to get outside and walk for a while to get some fresh air – but its too cold, too rainy, too grey. Maybe you’ll do it later instead.

It takes everything to get to a meeting. You thought you wanted to see people but now that you’re there, you don’t feel like talking to anyone. Maybe someone has noticed how quiet you are and asked how you’re doing. “Okay,” you say, “Just tired”.  You wonder to yourself why you’re always tired lately. In fact, you haven’t felt like masturbating or having sex either. You’ve done it but afterward wondered why you’d bothered.

Most likely, if you are reading this and recognizing yourself, you’re experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (the SADs). It’s not just a winter thing – they’ve found depression like this can set in when weather goes from cold to hot as well. Of course, the best prevention is to be aware, vigilant, and stay the course of a balanced healthy routine from October thru April. Personally, I have an anti-SADS routine I try to maintain every winter but I can still identify with everything I listed. Lethargy sneaks up on you. Two days of crap weather and the next thing I’ll notice I haven’t been outside for more than a few hours in five days. The combo of indoor heating and cold drafts zap my vitality. But there is a way out of this flat-lining sensation.

Begin taking the opposite action to what you feel like doing. At first it will feel exhausting and you’ll want to cut yourself a break and slack off – don’t. Begin today. Take a shower and wash your hair, shave your legs/face/whatever you shave. Make an effort. Tweeze the  eyebrows you’ve been neglecting, put on powder, cologne, perfume whatever you’d normally do if you had a date. Make that level of effort with self-grooming before you leave the house. Eat breakfast and do the dishes right away. Make your bed and tidy up all your piles that are starting to make you look like a hoarder. Look at your list of things to do and figure out what you can do today – don’t try to do it all. This is about recreating balance and participating in your life. Open mail and organize your bills. Hit the supermarket and put enough fresh fruit and vegetables in your fridge to last four days and purchase them with a plan in mind so you know what you will use them for. When you return from the market, wash, dry, and cut them up. Now place them in containers so you can access them easily for cooking, salads, and a fruit cup.

Go outside for an hour a day. If that means enlisting the company of a friend, get on the phone. While you’re at it, make a couple dates for coffee or a movie, for a game of pool, or whatever you enjoy doing with a few friends. Now you have something fun to look forward to later this week.

Exercise 3-4 times this week – swim, workout, take yoga, a dance class, play hockey – whatever physical activity will get your blood pumping. If you don’t have money for a gym, jog or power walk.

If you have to nap, set an alarm for 15 minutes or a half hour. Better yet, use that time to focus on your breathing or meditate. If you haven’t taken up meditation yet, go on YouTube and search guided meditations and find one that interests you and give it a try.

Before you go to a meeting, ask a friend to meet you there who wants to hang out for a while afterward. Stay connected to people.

It will be hard to do all of the above but if you use this as a guide-map and follow it for a few days, you’ll start to pick up your old natural rhythm. Your energy will start to return and so will your appetite for nutritious food. Drink lots of water. Relax at the end of the day with a movie, a book, or a bath.  If you treat each day like it matters it will. I guarantee that within a couple weeks, you’ll feel a lot better. It won’t happen by magic though – you have to force yourself to get started. Soon the days will be longer, the smell of spring will be in the air, your libido will kick in and you will feel the joy again.

 

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Is there a faster way to learn patience?

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Vigilance – the process of paying close and continuous attention; wakefulness, watchfulness

Never-give-up

“Vigilance is especially susceptible to fatigue”

Staying in the recovery process requires vigilance. If change takes time and fatigue is the enemy of vigilance –what’s an addict to do? The answer is simple: we need to learn patience.

We want what we want when we want it and our society caters to this fact. The 60’s invented fast food drive-thru restaurants and instant add-water meals. God knows no one has time to wait for anything. If we don’t see results immediately, we lose interest in going to the gym. We can now get liposuction if we don’t have patience to diet. Who has the time to wash and cut vegetables, never mind prepare an entire meal? If we have to wait for anything our first thought is “What’s the point?” and then we lose interest – whether it’s in learning a new skill, preparing a healthy meal, or sitting to meditate. If we can’t be at yoga within minutes of leaving the house, forget it. And I’m not even factoring being a recovering addict into this rant. Everyone is born hungry.

While lacking patience can have consequences for anyone, for addicts impatience can lead to the “fuckits” – the precursor to relapse. This is why we have to keep being reminded that recovery is an ongoing process and that it requires vigilance.

In early recovery, it feels like we’re constantly being hit by an onslaught of feelings. After years of dulling or numbing ourselves with substances, the reawakening of our emotions is new to us. Fear seems to lie underneath every sensation. Even joy can be accompanied by the sensation of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Anger makes us want to use, sadness makes us want to vanish from existence. We look at other people in recovery who seem to be at peace with themselves and we want to know how they got that way. We want to be like them right away. We expect recovery to give us instant results. “I worked my steps and go to therapy but I’m still a mess. What am I doing wrong?” Instead of accepting that change occurs over time, we blame ourselves.

Sometimes we can will things to happen – or so it seems. It could just be that everything aligned and we get what we want right away. Instead of it being an isolated incident, it makes us think if we don’t get things right away, we mustn’t be doing something right. Anxiety builds and patience evaporates. Enduring time passing is not the same as being patient. Being patient is an act of faith – faith that time will pass and things will change – however they will change. Patience is not counting the days and minutes.

People always ask, “What’s the trick? What work can I do to acquire patience quickly?” (Yes I’ve really been asked this). Translated, I think they’re admitting that they understand the concept “change happens slowly over time” but want to know how can they exist inside of this unknowable timeframe without having an anxiety attack or pulling their hair out. The trick is to create mindfulness habits so they can slow themselves down – whether it’s by quieting the mind or reducing physical anxiety. This makes not only the passage of time more bearable; it will probably be more enjoyable.

There is so much information readily available on mindfulness techniques and practices. A quick search of Google or YouTube can bring up thousands of links. When I was in early recovery I couldn’t focus my attention on anything for very long before I felt like I was crawling out of my skin. The idea of meditation was nice but I drank far too much coffee to attempt it. I’d overthink everything and believed I’d need to take a class, join a group or read a book on it before I could start. If I was going to meditate, I wanted to do it right. Truthfully, it was easier to sit in a café with my friends drinking coffee than it was to set aside 20 minutes to try to quiet my mind. No one ever explained to me that if I could set aside this time, I wouldn’t feel that “crawling out of my skin” feeling as often or as intensely. Had I known what the payoff was going to be I might have tried it sooner. I was resistant because, deep down, I equated meditation with edgelessness. Now I know that is not  the case.

There are a few quick tricks anyone can do throughout the day. They are pretty low-effort but you’ll feel results immediately. You can do them at any time, anywhere.

Start by taking a few deep breaths. Get on your tiptoes and reach up over your head and stretch out all the way through your arms to your fingertips and wiggle your fingers until you feel the stretch go all the way to through your fingertips. Lift one foot off the ground and rotate your ankles and stretch out your toes. Now do the other foot. Meanwhile flex and release your leg muscles. With one hand to the sky and the other pointing to the ground lean to the left and feel the stretch move down your sides. Do the opposite side. Tilt your pelvis forward and backward then rotate your hips in a circular motion and reverse the direction. Roll your shoulders in a circular motion and reverse. Tilt your head all the way forward and all the way back, and then try to touch each ear toward your shoulder. Roll your head slowly in a clockwise circle several times then reverse. Squeeze your shoulders up toward your ears and release. Do this several times. Now bend forward and let your arms hang. Swing from left to right and slowly move up your body, both arms swinging from side to side. Raise your arms over your head and bring your hands together and lower them toward your heart. By now your body should feel relaxed and energized. You can do all of this in less than 5 minutes as often throughout the day as you can remember. In fact, why not schedule it into your phone now to do 5 times during the day until it becomes a habit.

Take a look around. Pay attention to the immediate details to your surroundings. It doesn’t matter whether you’re standing at the back of a restaurant or on the sidewalk, pay attention to the colors, the light, and the sounds. This brings you into the moment. When you are in the moment, fear doesn’t have power over you. By existing in the moment, you’ll be less distracted by your thoughts.

Another quick decompressing trick you can do is to take ten deep slow breaths. Inhale through your nose until your lungs and belly have expanded as far as they can and then blow all this air out through your mouth until you are completely empty. You should be feeling the muscles in your chest and stomach relaxing with each inhalation and exhalation. It may feel like your heart is racing but it’s really just the awareness of your heart and your body. It’s nothing to worry about.

By stretching and breathing, you’ll become conscious of your body and breath so this next trick will be quite easy to do. Whether your eyes are open or closed, feel the air moving into your nostrils. It should feel slightly cool on its way in and warmer on its way out. Control it by inhaling and exhaling slightly longer. Most likely you’ll have to yawn several times. Feel the stretch in your jaw when you do. By doing this exercise you’re going to start noticing the way the air feels entering and exiting your nostrils throughout the day. You’re building a relationship with your physical body and an awareness of the moment you are in.

You’re probably wondering what any of this has to do with patience and vigilance. By creating these habits and incorporating them into your daily routine early in recovery, you are exercising some discipline over how time is being spent. It gives you control over how you want to feel physically and emotionally. Less anxiety means less fear. And fear is what sends signals that say, “If it’s going to feel like this, why bother ?” Less fear means less pain. Vigilance is not giving up.

We are like a porcelain vase that fell off a table and shattered across the floor. A lot of damage has been done. We gather up the pieces and enter recovery hoping someone will tell us how to put it back together. And people tell us how – but they also say, “It takes time.” We start going through all the pieces and start to figure out what fits where so we can put the vase back together again. It takes time and patience but we know the pieces will eventually all fit. If we approach this task in a hurried, stressed out way, we’ll make a mess of it and end up taking longer to get it done. By practicing some mindfulness, we are able to enjoy the process and we’ll feel excited when it begins to look like a vase again. It takes vigilance and patience to put ourselves back together. Honestly, if the payoff didn’t exceed the work we put into recovery, no one would stay clean. This payoff is why we keep blindly moving forward even when we can’t see what’s ahead. Patience teaches us that the real prize is the journey.


 

 

 

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The Upside of Shame

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Regrets. I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention. (My Way, Frank Sinatra)

Wouldn’t you love to be able to hit rewind and delete entire episodes out of your past rather than have to deal with the fallout clean and sober?

When I used to try to kick dope, the physical withdrawal was nothing compared to the  movies playing non-stop in my head of every single thing I ever did or said that made me feel like shit. It always touched on the things that hurt or betrayed the people I loved (whether they knew it or not) like birthday money from my folks I’d blown on coke, the time my dad drove from Toronto to Buffalo to meet a flight I’d forgotten about, relationships I’d discarded, friends I’d lost, the time I left my dog in my apartment while I spent a weekend on the Virgin Islands. It was all there in living color, the shit I did, accompanied by a gnawing soul-sickness.

The behaviors we engage in that fuel the beast don’t completely disappear when we get clean. The “disease” gets a lot of mileage from shame. Whenever we act out in our selfish or thoughtless behaviors in recovery and feel bad, thoughts of using pop up – always an unconscious antidote to our negative feelings. The way out of this cycle is in repairing damage we have caused and learning how to do things differently. Recovery gives us the opportunity to change.

On a positive note, guilt and remorse are natural healthy feelings because they let us know we are not psychopaths.

It’s through these feelings that we build our moral backbone in recovery. This moral compass lets us know how far we have strayed from our own deepest beliefs and values. They teach us right from wrong, teach us how to be loving – toward ourselves and others, toward animals and nature. We don’t learn this by having debates, or philosophizing over coffee with our friends, or because family, religion or the courts shoved a moral code at us. We discover morality through our feelings. And they never lie. They let us know when we do something that betrays our very nature.

Shame is the real killer for addicts because shame is personal. It’s how we feel about ourselves in the privacy of our own mind. How are we supposed to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, if we believe we are worthless? “We are as sick as our secrets” is true because shame is so personal. Guilt says, “What you did was horrible.” Shame says, “ You are horrible.” Secrets nurture shame – so get rid of them.

Imagine – even at the peak of our addiction we could not escape regret, guilt, or shame when we acted out against our most heartfelt beliefs. That says a lot about the human spirit. Even when we believed we truly didn’t give a fuck our heart was storing up the memory to haunt us later. The human spirit is pretty amazing. Even the madness of addiction can’t reach in and completely rewire our conscience.

 FEELINGS

 

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Taking Perfectionism out of New Year’s Resolutions

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New Year's Resolution

As we wrap up another year, people keep asking if I have any New Year’s resolutions. I never make official New Year’s resolutions. I realized in my twenties that  when it comes to  forcing overnight changes I usually fail.  I don’t enjoy adding additional pressure to my life. For me, change comes gradually. I do better with being in the process and witnessing improvement than adhering to hard and fast rules. I think for addicts in recovery, learning what you respond to best is key in setting the stage to make change.

While there are some people who respond well to the challenge of making drastic change, cut-off dates, and strict adherence to rules, for most of us resolutions are often just a new baseball bat disguised in sparkly paper waiting to be unwrapped – something new to beat ourselves up with.

Here are some of the ways I successfully took on self-improvement goals that many people set as New Year’s resolutions:

The Gym:

I always joke that before I got my first gym membership in recovery, every day was fairly pleasant. Once I joined a gym, every day that I didn’t go I’d hate myself. Suddenly I was spending $100 a month to have a new way to hate myself. I’d feel like shit because when I joined I really thought I would go every day. I’d compare myself to the one or two friends who went 5 times a week. If they can, why can’t I?  As time went on, I found my own rhythm to working out. It comes in waves. I’ve had periods where I’m energized and excited by various gym classes and will go religiously and there are other times where I’m lucky if I can make it there 3 times a week before closing for a forty-five minute workout. After several years of developing my own relationship to exercise, I realized that I workout because it has a positive effect on my mood and how I handle myself in the world. When the driving factor became mood over physical appearance, it was much easier to go. I guess I care more about feeling good than looking good. At least this is what my actions seem to imply. Funny thing is that whatever gets you there, over time, your body’s going to get better, stronger, healthier.

Smoking:

I would set a date to quit smoking and last only a few days. It was torture because I’d made so many public announcements that I was quitting. I knew I wanted to quit for health reasons but in my heart I wasn’t ready.  I felt like a failure and every time I let myself down it felt the same as every time I’d gotten high after swearing I wouldn’t.  It appeared so easy for other people.  Then one day when I’d given zero thought to it, zero prep time, I woke up and decided I was a non-smoker.  This happened naturally but the circumstances surrounding the days leading up to it had changed. Suddenly I hated the way my car smelled, I was brushing my teeth and washing my hands after every cigarette, and I could smell it everywhere I went. The smell was new and nauseating and I’m sure was what it took for me to want to leave smoking behind.

Diet:

I could easily eat pizza every day and never tire of it. In fact, when I’m busy and running with no time to prepare food, I’ve had days pass where I am grabbing a slice too often. Because I normally eat a variety of healthy clean foods, my body does not respond to a heavy pizza diet. I feel horrible in subtle ways- lower energy and a mild depression. I need fresh fruits and vegetables daily to feel good.  The same goes for sugar – if I eat fresh fruit daily, I have no sugar cravings but if days go by without fruit, I am suddenly craving cookies and sweets.  Now there is no one size fits all when it comes to food – especially because a lot of people in recovery also have easting disorder issues, but for me, as long as my diet is balanced and healthy, I will indulge in whatever I desire and not over do it. If I start to overdo any semi-junk foods, my mood is affected negatively so I will put on the brakes. At this point in my recovery, I am motivated purely by a desire to feel good.

I have listed these things because in my first couple years clean, these were the areas I wanted to address. I wanted to be a person who LIVED a healthy life. I would look to others to see how they were doing it but I would always hold them as models of perfection. It never occurred to me back then to ask them how they got there. From the outside they just looked like people who woke up one day and became gym goers, non-smokers, and healthy eaters. I should have asked them what the process was that got them to where they were. Addicts tend to compare themselves with others and give up if they fall short.  But often, the role models we look to for inspiration are also a work in progress – just like we are.  Rome wasn’t built in a day and if we resolve to create positive change in our coming year, we will have the most success if we set perfectionism aside and strive for progress at a pace that we can handle. Create a resolution to move toward a goal and remember we each get to create our own path to it. Stop comparing your progress to others’. You may struggle where some excel effortlessly and vice versa. Be as kind, loving and encouraging to yourself as you would be to others and you will see results in all areas you strive to improve. One day at a time.


 

 

 

 

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“But mom, you know I can’t drink!” Holidays in Recovery

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I stopped eating meat in 1983 yet every few years my mom will say something like “It’s Thanksgiving. You can have turkey on Thanksgiving.” She isn’t opposed to my not eating meat, it’s that she can’t wrap her mind around it during holidays. I suppose the memories that make her warm, fuzzy and sentimental involve us all sharing the same meal.  I mention this because a lot of people in recovery will be going home for the holidays. Many are going to have an experience similar to mine but instead of turkey it will involve alcohol.

If you are new to recovery, you’re going to keep hearing people talking about how difficult the holidays will be and how many people will relapse. This is going to either scare the crap out of you or you’re going to dismiss it by thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me because I have absolutely no desire to drink or get high whatsoever.” The truth is – none of us can predict how we are going to feel ten minutes from now let alone during the holiday season. It’s better to enter the next few weeks prepared for anything. Have a solid recovery plan to increase your accountability to your support group, know where there are meetings ahead of time for wherever you will be traveling to, have people you can call at any hour, and make plans so you don’t spend the holidays in isolation or spend it exclusively in the company of people who are partying or who have the ability to push your buttons (family).  Basically whatever level of daily actions you now take to keep your recovery a priority, increase them until after January 1st. Better safe than sorry – and sorry does not mean relapse. It can mean emotional discomfort, living with heightened anxiety, or riding the roller-coaster of shame, remorse, or anger.

In most cases, your immediate family will be supportive of your recovery but they may not understand the disease. To them, you are doing so well they may not see any harm in a glass of wine at a toast or alcohol soaked desserts. It’s up to you to educate them beforehand on what you need. If you go to 12 Step meetings, tell them beforehand when you will be attending them so they aren’t disappointed if it conflicts with their plans. You don’t want to be in a position where you give up your meeting because your mother is upset. Also, let them know if going for a walk/run/yoga/gym is something you have to do for your mental and emotional well being so that you don’t get moody and lash out. If alcohol drenched sweets are part of the dessert ritual, make sure there is an alternative for you to enjoy. And most important – if your family’s idea of fun is getting sloshed together, know when it is time to leave. Don’t stick around for the insults on how you are now a stick in the mud or debates about whether or not you are an alcoholic.

Self-care and sobriety involves preparing for the holidays. While they are almost always a roller-coaster of the unknown to the newly clean and sober, those of us who have some time under our belt can still be hit with loneliness, grieving for those who are gone, feelings of inadequacy or whatever negative self-talk that can surface when we are the sober one at a party. Thank God, it does get easier. Holidays clean and sober really can be a blast. Even so, it is always good to have a recovery plan in place.

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